tonight's reflections, edit 3!

Realized another thing as i was getting ready for bed.

relieved. i am feeling relieved. i feel the feeling ben's mom and i both were trying to express and the feeling i feel as i feel this huge sigh of relief and thing lifted, that the baby is here. the miscarriage they had has been an unspoken yet real presence throughout this pregnancy and even just knowing the baby was here and made it was already a huge, huge relief.

I realized that is another one of the feelings i feel right now is a huge sense of relief that cliff and amanda's baby is here and is healthy and alive!!

I never knew what people meant when they said then you came and our whole world changed, but like i said, it's not even my baby but i felt a bit of that tonight.

i also realized another thing i felt. i really felt like family. for the six of us there: cliff, amanda, ben's mom, me, ben, our family did change. it will never be the same. for the better. we added another little life to our family and even just getting to be in the hospital as family and in the waiting room as family, not a friend, but as someone in relation to the people was something like i have never experienced before.

i felt like i really belonged. i was reminded i really am a part of this family. as ben's mom said, within a matter of minutes, we each became someone different. cliff became a dad, amanda became a mom, she became a grandma, ben and grant became uncles, and i became an aunt.

seth, we love you. what a precious gift you are. what a beautiful reminder of the one who is the giver and creator of life. what a blessing and treasure. i am also excited for that day when we become parents. my heart has been filled with so much peace tonight.  i was anxious that it might be hard for me tonight. that my desire to have a baby or my wounds with people thinking i just want a baby would surface. but it was entirely the opposite.

just as when i have seen some of my best friends become moms over the last few years and the beauty of that has made me excited for that day when that would also be me, a feeling i had similarly when i was single and seeing my friends get married gave me a glimpse of what i had to look forward to, tonight it was like that for me.

such sacred ground, that hospital room.

my heart is relieved and is full of joy and so much hope.
i'm grateful for the man and the life i've been given.
i'm grateful for the family i was born into and the family i married into.
i am grateful for the lives who have touched and influenced me.
i am grateful for this precious gift of life.
and relieved.

relieved that this day has come.
thank you precious lord jesus.
amen.

I'm an aunt, edit!

I finally realized what it was. What it was as we walked out of the hospital. What it was as I just snuggled next to Ben as I was tucking him in (since I'm still up writing/trying to unwind/process and I am not tired yet), I am filled with hope for the future. Not just for us having kids one day, but filled with hope for so many things. Our family has been through a lot and to have something really good and beautiful like this is just such a breath of fresh air. I think also it was incredibly healing and redeeming to be in a hospital and for it to not be a bad thing. Something was different about it. Not just in the times I've visited friend's when they've had babies the last couple years, there was something about being there as a family and being there with Ben in totally and completely utterly different circumstances.

I am filled with hope for the future. I realized that as I went to the microwave to get my popcorn that was the feeling I am feeling. This strange and incredibly wonderful and beautiful feeling of hope. That there is good and beauty in the world. And that there are truly better days and things ahead. More than we could ever realize, ask for, or imagine. Lord, you are so good. I thank you and I praise you. I praise your holy and precious name for the life that you are, the life that you give, that you are the God who is making all things new.

I'm an aunt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How is it possible that I am already in love?! Do not have the words to describe the sheer joy and love in my heart right now. Tonight I got to hold a little miracle. A little miracle who is now my nephew. Little Seth Payne Lewton came into the world at 8:22 pm and it was a night I will never forget. The night our lives forever changed by the entrance of a new life that tonight breathed his first breathe. Nothing short of incredible. Suddenly everything got put in perspective. I was reminded of what a precious gift life truly is. Speechless and my heart is filled with a feeling I can't quite place, one I have never felt before. All that I know is it feels amazing. God you are so so good.

{day 1,075}

.: day 1,075 :.
friday, feb. 8, from facebook:

today i am feeling encouraged, refreshed, and restored. my body is lagging, but my heart is happy!

and i just got a bargain on these balloons, happy almost valentine's day!

{day 1,074} healing rain, part III

.: healing rain, part III :.
.: day 1,074 :.

Thursday Feb. 7
 

Continued from part II:

I could feel my heart quicken and my eyes well with tears. It felt like the room was spinning. 

I kept trying to hold them back, then the lights came on, Ben took one look at me and with one look I could tell he saw and knew all that was going on and when I saw the pain in his eyes too I lost it.

I couldn't speak. 

We just looked at each other for what felt like an eternity as I tried to somehow get out the words and figure out how to get out of there.

The tears were now streaming uncontrollably down my face as I realized they were going around the room to number us off in groups, I just froze when they came to me, tears were falling into my lap as I just looked at Ben, not able to get out any words, as he said a number for me.

As soon as we got up for groups I left the room. I knew me and God needed to talk. I just needed to cry and be with Him. 

The video was too much. It hit too close to home. Before I knew it this already gaping wound was once again ripped open of all the secrets I keep inside and keep.

The secrets and the realities and the things that are eating me alive. The things I cannot keep in anymore.

I will never forget the look in Ben's eyes. Without a word, we both saw in each other that it was as if we were watching our lives on a screen.

I looked at him and wished so badly I could take that pain away. I didn't want that to be our lives, as I saw the wife as the caretaker, knowing my husband has been placed in that same role, I wish that I could take that away too.

Yet, there was more that happened in me that night than I will ever be able to articulate. Something that I told the girls in my group when I was finally able to return back to the room, this thing I have ran from and hid from for far too long, beginning to write out and face my story, the ups and downs of my medical journey and life in between. Even if just for me.

A story of heartache and disappointment and pain,
yet one in which I have been given new life.

Come to discover that it is truly possible to experience a “God who is good, even when life isn't,” as Matt Rogers so beautifully attests to in a book that also encapsulates some of the themes of my last three years of my medical journey, that there are truly times “When Answers Are Not Enough.”

Yet through the brokenness and the pain, there is a reality present that deserves recognition.

The truth and reality that joy and pain, hope and disappointment, sorrow and peace can and often do co-exist.

None of us are immune to the reality that life is hard. There are things that happen that some days make sense, and other days we cannot understand.

Yet, through it all, I have been given something that can never be taken away.

He has set me on a new path. Promised and shown me there is so much more He is doing in all of this.

Renewed me with His strength, given me His hope, peace, and perspective. Taken me through thorns and thistles that one day there would be life.

This God, who loves me, walks beside me, and will continue to lead me by the hand every step of the way.

My God who is not finished with me yet, who is not done nor pronounced the fate of my situation.

My God who whispers and soothes my heart with the rain.

The One who has seen and held my every tear and seen my heartache. The One who has comforted me with a peace that surpasses understanding. My God who says, we are not finished yet.

I wrote a few days ago:

“Today is February 5th. I'd be lying if I said the fact that my three-year-mark of when I first got sick is quickly approaching hasn't been on my mind since the calendar suddenly turned February 1. While March 1st is the official three-year mark, as I've been recalling what was happening this time three years ago from my memory, journal entries and posts on my blog, I'm reminded things started rumbling beneath the first weeks before this storm fully hit.”

Yet, today is day 1,074.
1,074 days living with this disease.

According to the online converter I found, this amounts to 2 years, 11 months, and 6 days. We all hate being sick. Even the littlest of colds. I could have never imagined feeling like that and worse all the time.

Living in two worlds constantly that which is going on with my body and that which is going on all around me.

But you know what I can't wait to say?

It has been three years SINCE I have been sick.

A day that I dare to believe is coming and is out there for me.
A day that is the reason in which I craft. Pour time and energy into Mazvita's Angels because it is about so much more than crafting or selling flowers, raising money, or having fun or having a life-giving new hobby I enjoy.

Mazvita's Angels is a large part in what it now looks like for me to face and fight this battle. My battles with self-hatred and insecurity, my battles with depression, my battles with physical pain and knowing something is wrong with my body, my battles with the ongoing emotionally, physical and spiritual challenges with coping, etc.

Yet I will continue to fight. Not because I am strong, but because He is. My God who fights for me and speaks words into my wounds that dare me to trust and believe, that one day I will be able to sit there, like the guy in the video and say, but that was 10 years ago.

{day 1,074} healing rain, pt. II

 .: healing rain, part II :.
.: day 1,074 :.

Thursday Feb. 7

Continued from part I:


But there is another story that is being written not despite, yet in the midst of my heartache and grief.


A story and a life I would have never known had it not been for what began happening to my body three weeks short of what will soon be three years ago.

There is a hope I cannot let go of. As one of my favorite authors says, it is not so much that I have held onto hope, but that hope hasn't let go of me.

This is my story.

The story behind the pictures of flowers I post all the time, the parts of my story that I see reflected in every single craft night, farmers market and flower we make, yet the story I have not known how or where to begin with telling.

Through breaking me down and bringing me once again to edge of myself and the end of my limitations, I have been reminded that it is okay to be weak.

I don't have to hide or pretend that everything is okay when it is not. My life is not my own, and my story and circumstances are not about me.

I had a breakdown in canvas group last week when we started a series that I was mad at myself for forgetting about.

As soon as Katie and Elaine shared that we were starting a video series that will last most of the semester, I had this wave of nausea and dread sweep over me.

I was mad at myself because I had forgotten hearing about in a staff meeting a few weeks ago, knowing it might be difficult for me as well as Ben, but with the start of school and the business of the last couple of weeks, I had forgotten about it until that moment.

Ben and I exchanged glances as they were explaining the video. Silently communicating as he could see the panic in my eyes as he reached for my hand.

I wasn't emotionally prepared for it. But maybe it was better that way. I'd had a breakdown after craft night last week, the night before, and so my heart was still in a raw place.

I could feel a knot in my stomach from the first few seconds of hearing this guy begin to share his story. The parallels and similarities to my own were daunting. I wanted to escape but had no way out, I was next to the wall amidst a row of seats and would have to climb over three rows of people to get out.

I could feel my heart quicken and my eyes well with tears. It felt like the room was spinning. I kept trying to hold them back, then the lights came on, Ben took one look at me and with one look I could tell he saw and knew all that was going on and when I saw the pain in his eyes too I lost it.


CONTINUED IN PART III

{day 1,074} healing rain, pt. I

.: healing rain, part I :.
.: day 1,074 :.

Thursday Feb. 7

"I have set you on a new path,
behold, I am doing a new thing."

Thursday February 7 | 11:46 am:

Just got back from a 25 minute walk in the rain. Normally, I run from the rain, but this morning, I longed to be out there. I needed the exercise and wanted to process and there was something incredibly healing, refreshing and comforting about walking in the rain.

It cleansed my soul. Something within me longed to be out there, and never come in.

I heard those words as I rounded the corner about to return to our house. Words spoken from the father's heart to mine that he has spoken time and time again throughout my experiences the last few years, and even more so lately, most poignantly with the breakdowns and breakthroughs of the last couple of weeks.

Yesterday being one of them. A breakdown earlier in the day that later that night led to freedom.

For the second time in a week, something broke within me. Come completely undone. The pain that I so often try to hide could not keep silent anymore.

Bringing me to the realization that I have been fighting for far too long now, sitting down and facing the reality of my story.

That while there have been many victories on the health front, I am still sick. While it seems I am “back to normal,” my body and strength is weak.

I am hopeful, yet my heart is broken.
Comforted, yet possess much grief.
Full of peace, yet anxious about many things.

I have joy, yet my heart is aching.
I long for my body to fully restored. I have been depressed from time to time at living with less than half of what used to be my normal physical and emotional capacity.

I am 28 years old, yet feel in my 80s.
I look okay from the outside, yet inside my body is falling apart.

I can't do the things that I want to do and have been frustrated especially the last couple weeks at the two to three things I am able to do in a day when I would like to do 50.

I am sometimes okay with things, and sometimes I am not.
Some days I can accept and embrace that which I spend other days fighting.

My heart dreams of a day when I am free.
Free from the bitter chains of this disease and all the ways in which it has affected my life.

I dream of waking up from this nightmare and everything being back to normal.
I dream and I long for a day some days if I'm honest, I don't really believe will really come.

But there is another story that is being written not despite, yet in the midst of my heartache and grief.

--CONTINUED IN PART II--