40 Days of Purpose { and Life at the Moment }

Why, hello, blog. It's been a while. 

It's actually funny how many times I have wanted to come on here and write, or half-way wrote blog posts in my mind that just never made their way from my thoughts to the paper, or how many times I have wanted to get back in the habit of blogging. The many times I've wanted to write more or do something with my writing. And I was on the brink of beginning too, and then my best friend died. 

Not only that, she was one of the biggest supporters of my writing. Not that my writing or my blog is great, but because she loved and championed my heart and the ways I would express it on here or in our interactions. She had a way of always making me feel valued. Seen in ways like never before. 

One of the sad things was she was probably the only person who would still read my blog the two times a year I've probably posted on this thing from the days where I would write multiple blog posts a day. I haven't really kept it up and so whereas people, and when I say people I mean friends who knew I had a blog, would receive an email when a new post was published, she was really the only person I would hear from, I'd get a text or an email the next day telling me how much she couldn't wait to talk, that she loved reading my last blog post.

So, all of this to say, I've been afraid to come on here.

I've been afraid to attempt to put all that is happening into words because to be honest, if there's anything I hate or get frustrated with more in the world is when I would sit down to write and nothing comes out. We've all been there. And we find ourselves stunned that we aren't able to translate all that is going on in our minds and our hearts. It feels so strange, cruel almost. Yet, for many times that has stopped me and then one just popped in my head right now that I had not previously been aware of. 

Another reason I haven't wanted to come write on here was that this time I wouldn't be hearing from her.

There are so many times a day (still) when I will have something funny to text her or serious, or have those moments of I'm just going to call Kate, or like today, something I ran into online that only she would get, I think a part of me knew this, but it hasn't fully surfaced till now, I have been afraid to come back on here and write, because I know I won't be hearing from her.

The whole thing is still just bizarre and surreal to me. It has nearly been two months, yet there are still times, sometimes several times a day when I can't really believe she's gone. A part of me when she first passed, felt strangely different from everyone else. As I saw people pouring their hearts out on social media, reeling from the loss as we all were in our different ways, and grieving, and then come to a point where (mostly the weekend of her funeral and the days after) were saying goodbye, I found myself telling my counselor, telling my husband, telling friends that I felt like something was wrong with me. 

I realized I hadn't said goodbye. Nor did I feel or want to. 

I slowly realized in the days to come that I still felt such a strong connection with her in my spirit. She was still alive in spirit and because we had such a soul connection, even when she had passed and was gone here in a physical body, her spirit still lives on, or now I shall said lived.

Because it has been different these last few weeks. I've been feeling her absence more and more each day and the other night in bed I realized I felt that she just disappeared and is somehow, somewhere going to come back.

"She just never woke up." Those five words will haunt me for a lifetime.

I have thought back to that day and that dreadful afternoon when everything was going great and then we got a call from my best friend's husband that I will never be able to shake the rest of my life.

I have so many questions. And the longer time passes they don't get easier.

Oh my gosh, I can't believe all of this has come out when I came on here to blog about the 40 Days of Purpose my small group is starting today as we are reading through The Purpose-Driven Life the next 40 days.

I was struck my something at the beginning of the book and several things in the first chapter I was going to tweet, then I realized I had so much more to say than the 6-8 quotes I was planning to share.

But you know what, maybe this is where I have to start. Maybe this is why I came on here, maybe there is where this 40-day journey begins.

If there's ever a time I needed direction, in so many ways and for so many reasons, now, this is the time. I'll post just one line, one line that seems to fit with where the direction of this post went, a sentence from the preface of the book I don't remember reading before that highlights the spiritual significance of 40 days:

"Whenever God wanted to prepare someone for his purposes, he took 40 days:

•  Noah's life was transformed by 40 days of rain.
• Moses was transformed by 40 days on Mount Sinai.
• The spies were transformed by 40 days in the Promised Land.
• David was transformed by Goliath's 40-day challenge.
• Elijah was transformed when God gave him 40 days of strength from a single meal.
• The entire city of Ninevah was transformed when God gave the people 40 days to change.
• Jesus was empowered by 40 days in the wilderness.
• The disciples were transformed by 40 days with Jesus after his resurrection.

The next 40 days will transform your life." 

I don't know about you, but I desperately needed to hear that tonight. I am nervous, excited, and scared for what the next 40 days hold. But I know it is no accident that I am embarking upon this journey with God right here and right now.

I am desperate for God to move. Desperate for Him to reveal to me the things that once seemed so crystal clear. Who am I, where am I going, what am I here for, for what purpose was I created for, how do I get to where I am living as the woman of God you have created me to be.

Fully alive, fully functioning, fully immersed in her identity and calling as Abba's Child, fully delighted in, fully in love with her God, fully and confidently living out the calling He has given to me, Oh Lord, I ask you to transform me.

I think it is funny that I thought I was going to say 1-2 lines about Kate and where I am and then was going to be typing up parts of the preface and first chapter that spoke to me tonight

But I am reminded of a quote by one of my favorite authors, Ruth Haley Barton,

That we would be surprised how much our souls have so much more to say.

So for that, for this, for tonight, Lord, I thank you. I thank You because you alone know where you are taking me, what I am here for, the purposes of the pain as well as the joy in my life, how it all fits together and you alone can see what I desperately long for, to see the entire picture.

So I thank you. And I ask you to do more in these 40 days than I could ever ask for or imagine. Heal me, transform me, release me. And thank you for leading me on this unexpected twist and turn of tonight and letting my soul speak. Yes, Father, transform me.

"Set me free from my prison(s), Lord, that I may praise your name."

{psalm 142:7}

Yes, You are my Jehovah Jireh.

My God of great faithfulness;

My God of unfailing, everlasting love.

.: remember the wonders, remember the miracles he has done :.

"remember the wonders,

remember the miracles he has done."

Wow. I don't even know where to start. This is a total stream of consciousness, not really edited. Disclaimer ;) I was lying in bed upstairs, halfway napping, halfway resting and scrolling through Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram on my phone when I knew I needed to get up and do the dishes while Ben was out grocery shopping, and also knew I should probably take a walk since I haven't gotten to walk a ton this week. But, I was like, maybe this will be my day off. Then the thought of not working out, ie. walking, tomorrow sounded even more appealing.

I don't really know what got me up out of bed, find motivation to do the dishes and then push myself to go for a walk.

But I'm so glad that I did.

I feel amazing.

I feel like I have been harboring this secret that I experience the fullness of daily, as I was just telling a friend I ran into in the courtyard of our complex on my way back, I literally feel like God has done a miracle with my health.

As I was walking, I was reminded, as I often am every time I step outside and feel the coolness of the evening breeze against my face, how lucky, how GRATEFUL I am to be able to set out on my own two feet.

I'm constantly reminded of where my health was five years ago, four years ago, even a couple years ago, where moving, let alone walking, was completely out of the question, when I couldn't even make it to the mailbox and back due to the debilitative nature of the chronic illness I've been dealing with since after a root canal I had in March 2010.

I am constantly, constantly reminded of this notion and this phrase:

I will NEVER take my health for granted again.

I feel like I am living a miracle. I feel like my body has been restored. I feel like God has healed me in ways that the medical community cannot explain. I feel like I have my old body back, I feel like I have my life back.

In many ways.

I'm not fully healed or restored, I still live with chronic pain, I still have limitations on my energy level and endurance. I'm not able to do anything more physically than walking.

I can't dance, which breaks my heart. Every time I try, I'm reminded that my body is still not fully well.

But I've come SO FAR. HE'S brought me so far.

I can't even explain it.

I have recently lost all 50 of the pounds I gained in the first couple years of being sick.

My weight loss journey has been one that has been so much more than numbers, so much more than body image or appearance; it has changed me from the inside out.

Losing the weight has been part of feeling like I have been given my old body back. I feel comfortable again in my own skin. There is something about being the weight I have been most all of my life and adult life, I feel like me again in so many ways.

I've been hesitant to share because so many things can be misconstrued when you talk about weight loss. I am in no way saying that the Mazvita who was 50 lbs heavier is worse than the Mazvita who is now 50 lbs. lighter. I am in no way saying that people who were that weight or larger are fat, bad, worse, anything like that.

For me, it is intensely personal and my decision to begin to try to lose weight even amidst the challenges of doctors telling me I wouldn't be able to put off the weight till I was better, ie, no longer on all the medications I was on, and the reality that I was fighting an uphill battle because many of the medications I was on had a side affect of weight gain.

For me, it was a personal decision and recognition of the fact that I could not NOT try.

It was something I was doing for me.

I wasn't wanting to lose the weight because I would be more attractive than when I was 50 lbs overweight (for my height ratio), I was wanting to do it to feel more like me again.

To have something that was another loss, another cost of this season, no longer having its hold over me.

Losing the weight, I realized recently, was one of the final ways I've been kicking this illness to the curb, reclaiming one of the last things that had been lost.

I am still sick, even as I write this, I am keenly aware of how much my neck is hurting, how sore my muscles feel and are burning, how tight they are and how pain is just an every day part of my existence.

But I am SO much better, I can live with the pain.

The difference is it is no longer disrupting my life. I've been able to work again and be more active.

As I was on my walk, I was just reminded of what a gift it is to be able to even walk again.

It's incredibly empowering to be able to leave the house, get somewhere on my own two feet. And know I could make my way back. So many times in the early days/years of my illness, I would set out for a walk just down the street and not know if I would be able to make it back up to my house before my legs either went numb, or the muscle and nerve pain became unbearable, it was one of the scariest feelings in the world. To not know what your body would be doing, feeling, from moment to moment.

As I walk through the streets of Pasadena and make my loop through downtown, I'm reminded of God's faithfulness.

He has brought me to a place I've always dreamed of living. I feel like I was made to live in California, it feels like home and is so affirming to see why this place has been on my heart for so long.

He has ushered me into a new season with my health.

I was just overwhelmed by all that He has done. It felt good to push myself and be energized as a result.

I thought about how much feeling this good, has been something that's almost scary to admit, I haven't told hardly anyone, for this last year, I've felt like I've almost been holding my breath, not fully sure how long this was going to last.

I am reminded of how even where I am now is totally a gift, totally something that has been out of my control.

If there is anything I have learned in the last five years, it is that our illusion of control is simply laughable. Illness and sickness and heartache and pain enter our lives whether we invite them or not. We are not able to choose. We are not in control of those things. And in the same way, I am not in control of what has felt like a miracle and my body and my life, heart, and soul being restored in ways I could only dream and imagine years ago.

I'm reminded of all the people who have been praying for me.

The amount of people and times I am reminded of these words, words I could only dream that one day in the far off future would come true:

"He will restore you."

"He will restore what the locusts have eaten."

"God is plotting for your joy."

I can't, I don't have words to describe all that I am feeling.

Tonight on my walk, I was overwhelmed by being reminded of HIS GRACE in my life in this way. The ways that I am feeling restored and healed are only things that God has done.

A year ago next month, while in the hospital dealing with other health issues, I was taken off of all my other medications and haven't needed them since.

These were medications I have tried time and time again in the last five years, to wean myself off of, but every time I did, my body would spiral back into where it was in the very beginning of my illness, where it was incredibly debilitating and where I could do very little.

I am thankful, thankful for this walk tonight to be reminded of this secret I have been afraid to tell.

But, I must. For it is a story of what HE has done. The miracles and the wonders that are beyond our own understanding.

::

Yes, You are my Jehovah Jireh;

my God of great faithfulness, my God of unfailing, everlasting love.

- he persevered because he saw him who was invisible -

- we live by faith, not by sight -
"now faith is being sure of what we hope for, certain of what we do not yet see"

not by that which our eyes, but what our hearts alone can see.

there was something that was there amidst habakkuk in the shadows. when all had been taken away. all had been lost.

there is something going on as job cried out and lamented to his god. something we find amidst his heartache, disappointment, praise and despair.

there is something more going on when we see shadrach, meschach and abenago in the fire. something allowing them to emerge without a single hair singed not smelling like smoke.

there is something else going on when Abraham believed.

When Moses followed God through the desert, though both knew not where they were going. There is something more going on when they suffer, Paul suffers and a whole host of people like you and me in between. There lies hidden the treasure we seek. as henri nouwen declares, "a life stronger than death."

For there is something incredibly beautiful and transcendent in these snapshots. More going on that what the eye alone can see. Each clung to hope, each clung to Hope, and refused to let go. Refused to let their eyes dwell or focus on everything that was happening around them, though the trials they endured were "many and bitter" as David, another to add to the list, shares unreservedly in the psalms.

There was something my heart can deeply resonate with. So many of these verses I've posted today that I cannot explain how much they put into words all that my words simply cannot express, of this life, this truth, this hope and this promise of the one who was, who is and is to come. These words pull and draw me into a reality that is more real than anything I can see, touch, taste, or feel.

A reality that we know is all around us, calling, singing over our hearts with His song.

But Moses... even when no one around him believed him or understood what or why he was doing what he was doing, Moses, by faith, continued on. He kept going even despite their jeers, doubts, insults and accusations that this God, this "god" that had supposedly led them to the desert to pass over into the promised land, was a liar. "He has only brought us out here to die, Moses we would have been a lot better off in Egypt, as slaves. At least there we had food. where is this "god" you speak of. how long? how many years? how much longer do you expect us to believe this? and on and on and on they cried.

But they could not see. they could not see. But what we find in Hebrews' account of Moses in the years of leading the Israelites through the desert is astonishing. Words that leapt off the page and gripped my heart and changed everything about how I was feeling about embracing a new year.

Something I wasn't sure I wanted to accept last January, as one year had brought more than I thought I could handle and I wasn't ready for whatever could be lurking around the corner next. "2010 has taught me a thing or two about life," I remember journaling. "And I'm not sure I want any more of it," were my exact sentiments last New Year's Day in the early hours of 2011. After an emotional New Year's Day, on in which I woke up with an all too familiar knot of nausea and dread in the pit of my stomach, everything within me was crying out for answers.

I needed to know how I was going to do this, how are we going to do this God, you and me. How are we going to enter this new year, because to be honest, I'm not sure I really want to go. After a series of events, when I ventured out of the house to my favorite Starbucks, my eyes fell on these words from a favorite psalm, "the lord is my shepherd."

I cannot describe the peace and comfort that flooded my soul in those moments as suddenly, I felt like I was slowly being lifted out of a deep, dark pit. Slowly, one by one, a series of verses which led me to the verses that became my prayers for 2011, also led me to one last treasure in the 11th chapter of Hebrews... After commending a list of others for their hallmarks of faith, we find one line much different from all the rest.

²³ By faith Moses’ parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king’s edict.  ²⁴ By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. ²⁵ He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. ²⁶ He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. ²⁷ By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible.

What hits me the most of the author's use of the word, "chose." It shows point blank that while Moses could have easy accepted an easy life, known as the son of the Pharoah's daughter and escape the harsh punishments his people were under, he CHOSE to be mistreated ALONG WITH the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin.

He chose. He made a decision based on not what his temporal sight, his eyes, could see before him, but he chose to believe that which his HEART alone could see.

The God who He knew was there, whom He knew was with him. His God which he knew was bigger than anything that was currently happening.

He persevered, he decided to trust, believe, have faith and continue on, he chose to believe and trust and follow His God. I love what comes after that example of what he chose. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of GREATER VALUE than the treasures of Egypt... why? because he was looking ahead to his reward, his eyes were FIXED upon Him who has promised and who is faithful.

We find next that Moses left Egypt, by faith, not being bound by fears of the king's anger, for He saw him who was invisible... This invisible yet at the same time unmistakable Presence we find and we see woven throughout each of those pages from beginning to end. Moses persevered because he saw something greater. He saw and trusted and CHOSE to believe and walk with the One whom He knew was for him, whom he knew was there, and whom he knew would never leave His side. The One whom though our eyes have not seen Him, our hearts know Him well.

Our God, our God, who is greater. The One whose promise alone gives me life. The One who is my reason to live. To One who gives me strength to wake up another day and to walk with Him. To put one foot in front of the other and take another step. It is Him who gives me strength. He who is my strength. Who gives me grace and the strength to seek Him, know Him, trust Him and believe Him. Believe and live in the reality of His presence more real than anything my eyes could ever see. Being led and guided by the One my heart alone can see.

Yes, You are my Jehovah Jireh:
my God who is forever faithful.

I will follow You.
For He who has promised is faithful.

I love you more than words could ever express,
you are my loving God and all I am is yours. Here in your presence, I am made whole. Set free. Made new, alive again. Given hope, strength, grace, peace. Led into life everlasting. I worship You and thank You.

- originally written February 10, 2012

.: the joy of the lord

{ the joy of the lord is my strength }
:: nehemiah 8:10

.: therefore, we do not lose heart

Loved running into this passage a bit ago.

Spoke volumes to my heart in ways it never has before along with a couple other passages this morning. Our suffering, trials, and tribulations on this earth only make sense in light of the gospel, in light of the Bible, and the greater Story all around us that God is telling. Filled with hope and gratitude today for the One how is the great "I AM," who is sovereign, and in control, high and above all things.

::

"Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart. For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake.

For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show hat the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; 

perplexed, but not driven to despair;

persecuted, yet not abandoned;

struck down, but not destroyed;

always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, 

so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 

For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you."

:: 2 Corinthians 4:1, 5-12

.: in the shelter of his wings

 

"He will cover you with his feathers. 

He will shelter you with his wings."

:: psalm 91:4

.: the eye of the storm

I was given an image tonight I will never forget.

It was in the context of hearing a friend share her testimony at my Fuller Wives Group, seeing all the dots connect and the things that God was doing years ago that led her to now and started thinking and looking back at my own life, how I couldn't see this or that happening just a few miles down the road, a few months, or a few years, but how God was working that entire time, preparing us for what was ahead, while only giving us enough sight to make the next step.

I loved the way she described it.

He only gives us just enough that we will have to depend on Him.
Because if He showed us the plan, if He showed us every single detail of how things were going to turn out or look a few months, a year, what have you down the road, we'd start planning and lose our need to depend on Him.

I started thinking about my own life, and even now. How I can't predict or even imagine where this road or path we're on is headed, but how I have no idea how much all of this we are going through right now and this journey that you've had me on, how much is going to make sense in a few months, years.

Then I got the image.

It was as if I was peering into a snow globe. I saw these three figures, huddled together as they made their way through this massive storm, there is snow swirling all around them, yet all they know is to keep taking another step, to stick together to stay warm, and to also stay close to the One who is guiding them.

It was a picture I will never forget. All of a sudden I felt like I was looking in on a computer image of these three, of this huddle traveling down this path, through the very center and eye of the storm, and then being able to say, yay, they made it another step, one step closer, they made another step today, and that was all that was required of them.

To simply stay close to one another, for warmth and to survive, then stay close to this larger figure that was covering them with His larger arms and warm blankets, and together, take another step. It was almost as if the larger figure had wings. Wings in which He was enveloping the two, covering them as they made their way through. And took another step.

That was it.

Each day was another step in the journey, another step through the eye of the storm and if they stay like that, they'll make it.

They have no idea what is awaiting them on the other side, but He does.

And then, others, as if watching these three dots advancing on a screen, others watching are like, but are you sure, do they really have to go DIRECTLY into the worst part of the storm?

Can't they go around it, isn't there another way, is it safe for them to go straight into the red, the most severe part of the storm, and the questions go on and on.

For it seems harsh, cruel even, to make them go that way.
To have another storm and set of trials imposed on them when they were already in the midst of a battle with a huge storm that blew through their lives four years ago, and now adding this, and now this journey, this route, this trek?

There has to be another way.

Uh uh, one of the commanders says, no there is no other way.

The two of them must go this way. It will all make sense in the end. But don't worry, they are safe. They are with Him.

He will never leave them, no matter how perilous the road gets.

There will be days and there will be times when it seems He has abandoned them.
Left them or left Mazvita out in the cold to fend for herself.

These times are necessary too and a part of the battle, a necessary part of the journey for reasons we can't explain.

But, we promise, they will be okay.
The Commander never wastes a hurt. He never will leave or forsake His children.

There are just times when the storm winds are blowing so hard and so fierce, it's hard to see or feel Him.

It feels like He has left them to fumble around in the dark, but the truth is they have to experience the full weight of this darkness to be equipped and prepared for that which is waiting for them in the light.

They can't see what surprises are in store. They can't see where this seemingly meaningless, cruel and crooked path is leading, but I promise it is to somewhere good.

Tonight, this gave me hope.

It felt so real.

I could see the little dots trekking away on the screen.
All that mattered was they faced another day. Traveled a little further down the path. And that was all that was required of them.