**Stream of consciousness, raw and rambly, unedited and straight from the heart.
Dear _________,
There is so much I have to tell you tonight, I'm tired, my body is weak, my soul is worn out, yet I can't sleep before getting this out and telling you. I'm afraid if I don't do it now, tomorrow it will be gone.
There is so much I have to tell you. The biggest one is: DON'T GIVE UP.
Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up.
Don't ever put away that piece inside of you that won't sleep, the part of you that KNOWS there is something wrong with you and that one day you WILL, they WILL find it.
Don't ever let that dream die. That dream isn't a dream, it's reality.
One day, one test, one doctor, one person, WILL find it.
And it's going to come out nowhere. When you least expect it.
I can't even tell you how much I'm feeling this right now. I had something happen at the dentist today that I felt was a premonnition of what is to come.
It was a time in which I felt for the first time, I could really see and feel the light at the end of the tunnel.
They wrestled for about an hour and a half just to figure out where the pain was coming from.
I felt myself slip into that part of myself I have learned to reside.
I could feel it come on. The part of me that was like, here we go again. I was trying to explain the nature of the pain. I was trying to show them where. And then I was like, are we really going to find it or are they just going to do a procedure but that then I'm left wondering if we even really got whatever "it" is out of there.
But these people were different. This lady was different, this faculty was different. There was a level of care and concern like I have not experienced before.
Maybe it was because I made a big deal the last couple months about switching student dentists, but you know what, I'm not at all ashamed about it.
Something within me was rejoicing today.
A part of me deep within that was saying, YES, this was worth it.
All the hell to go through just to switch dentists because I was not happy with the level of care I was receiving with the other girl, ALL of it was worth it.
Something within me was restored today.
A part of my self-hood, a part of my dignity, a part of the parts of me that see, hear, experience and feel God.
A part of me I have not felt alive nor restored in so long.
The part of me that was saying, YES, this is what we were fighting for.
I've said I've had so much I wanted to say to you, if there's anything that kept pressing upon my heart to tell you all throoughtout my appointment today it would be this:
FIGHT for people who will FIGHT for you.
You are worth it, YOU DESERVE IT.
If you are not happy with your doctor, dentist, nurse, if you have any shred of doubt within you with their plan, their perspective on the situation, DO NOT WASTE ANY TIME MAKING IT KNOWN.
Don't be ashamed.
YOUR HEALTH is on the line.
You are worth it, it's important.
Today I was proud of the fact that I was the only one who could see that Mazvita was not being treated well nor receving the quality of care, understanding, and competency needed.
I left nearly every appointment this fall in tears. Not from physical pain. That I can handle. There were times even in appointments, during procedeures that I was fighting back and wiping away the tears.
Tears emanating from a deep place within, a wave of grief and nausea sweeping over me saying to my God, the only One who can fully see, God, are you kidding me? Are you seeing this?
I can't believe this.
I didn't like her from the start.
Trust your gut.
I didn't know why but I knew. I knew it wasn't going to work out.
She didn't get it. She couldn't see the full scope of the situation, I was like, I can NOT believe this is happening right now.
I don't have time for this.
Every time I'd have to re-explain my situation.
Every time as I'd hear her repeat back to the attending faculty, I felt that knot again forming in my stomach.
I want to throw up.
It felt like the room was spinning. I was getting that all too familiar feeling of here we go again.
I want you to know that you're worth it.
Fight for someone who will fight for you.
We're the hardest ones to fight for some days, but I'm telling you, I don't know the last time I felt this good.
I had just had a four-hour procedure done, but I walked out of the dentist chair floating.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I've been thinking about you today.
I would do anything to spare you from the pain I have endured.
I realized today too, you might face this too. The whole, do I text/email/tell anyone about this appointment/procedure or not.
The whole, I know that God is in control, whether I have friends praying or not, does it change what is going to happen anyway, do I want to deal with having to tell everyone what happened, how it went, how I'm doing after. Sometimes, most times, I don't tell cause I just want to live my life.
I want to be able to leave the appointment and go on with my life.
I'm still processing myself, let alone trying to explain something to people in words that which can't be explained.
It's to be experienced.
You and I both know, no matter how much we talk about it describe, share, try to depict, only you and I truly know what it feels like.
I'm the one who knows what it's like to sit in the dentist chair for the millionth time.
To gear up for appointments.
To even sit there today, wondering if there was even a point in sharing. Will people be able to understand? They can't fully and we have to accept that.
But, today there was something taking place, something that reached down and gripped my heart.
I knew all of this were things I was eventually going to have to share.
Like I said, I would give anything for you to not have to go through this. The pyschological impact of living with an illness the medical profession cannot see. Test after test, remaining a mystery. Though that word betrays itself upon being spoken because though it's a "mystery," it's not a mystery to the person experiencing it the most: you and me.
We live night and day with a monster that won't let us sleep. Medication, various treatment plans, have helped our bodies function to a certain degree, but even just being a few to several hours without meds, we are humbly reminded every waking minute that something is terribly wrong.
Something that has changed every aspect of your life whether you've wanted it to or not, something we live with, day and night that does not sleep.
We've learned to conceal our little friends. We've learned what to say and not to say. We stop sending emails, we stop posting health updates, we stop telling people about appointments because we're tired of being judged, people trying to fix us, being burned. We can't handle the pain of being misunderstood again and again by people who have no idea what it's like to live or walk a day in our shoes.
We suffer silently. Yet, we are not alone.
We are not alone.
Today I encountered again the God who sees me.
Everything about this doctor has been different.
This is all totally God, all totally His grace.
That I was assigned this student doctor. Her personality, her competency, from the moment I first spoke with her on the phone last week, I knew this was going to be different.
It's amazing how much a good doctor/dentist can really make a difference.
And the attending faculty, he was incredible.
I heard things I have never heard before.
I was told things I've never been told before.
MY BODY AND MY HEART AND MY SOUL WERE REJOICING.
I wanted to give her a hug.
I couldn't believe it.
I could not believe it.
I'm rambling. I'm tired, but I couldn't not write.
He is healing me. He is restoring me. Fully bit by bit every day.
There is going to be a day, a day I felt I got a glimmer of today in a situation that was a microcosm of this whole journey, a day when this will indeed all be over.
I was dreaming of a day when my teeth didn't hurt. A day when we would REALLY be done, have all the work completed, all the prolblems in my mouth fixed.
A day that I know is coming. When this will all really be over.
I think I'm going back to something I was starting to say then got distracted. As I was just looking back at a couple old blog posts that posted some songs that have really impacted my heart and my life during this time it is that I think part of why it's hard for us to share is we have been on this incredibly personal and lonely journey with you and you alone.
One that it's almost hard to bring people into. There are so many roads that have been traveled, things we have experienced and learned, even as I was talking to my husband, the person who is the most understanding, supportive, and truly in this with me person in the planet, even he, doesn't fully know what this has been like in the way You do. He hasn't been the one who has sat in a dentist chair for the millionth time. Drilling after drilling. Only You Lord.
Yet, I have had you on my heart. Today I was proud of the decision I made months ago to stand up for and fight for little Mazvita. The Mazvita who wasn't protected, fought for, or taken care of as a child, the part of Mazvita that needed healing, needed to know and say, no this is not okay for me.
Because of the Lord's help, great love, and power, He enabled me to jump through all the hoops to demand a new dentist.
Because I'm worth it. My life matters to God and He says I'm worth fighting for.
I want you to know that we're going to get through this. There will be many more rough days ahead, but don't give up. Don't ever stop fighting. You are not crazy and you are not alone.
I know the journey is weary. I know how hard it is to pick yourself back up and head to another appointment. I know how emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausting it all is.
It's okay to be weak. To need Him, need others, need a break.
Remember that this race is a marathon, not a sprint.
We're going to get there one step at a time.
Today reignited my heart with hope.
The fact that they spent such a long time looking for and trying to get to the root of it all, no pun intended, reminded me that there will also be a doctor like that.
The one I've been waiting for.
WHo will dig and dig and dig and be the one to find this needle in the haystack.
Lord, I thank you for all that You are. All that You are doing. In this and so many other aspects of my life.
I thank you, I praise you, I love you.
Dear friend _________, lastly, I want you to know that you are seen.
"And she gave this name to the Lord,
Yes, You are the God who sees me,
I have seen the God who sees."
:: genesis 16:13
