Adventures in Pasadena :: Day 118

glimpses of my new world, one day at a time
monday october 28, 2013 {day 118}

:: heritage walk townhomes near north madison and walnut

Moving to Southern California has been one non-stop adventure. We've been here exactly five months as of today and I really don't know how. In some ways it feels like we just got here, in other ways it feels like we have been here for years. So much life, change, and transition has occurred during that short time period, the time and the days keep slipping like sand between my fingers, I keep waiting for time and life to slow down, but I'm finding that perhaps this is also a part of the new normal.

And for that reason, one of the ways I'm going to continue to process and share what I've been seeing, feeling, and experiencing is through pictures. Glimpses of life here in Pasadena one moment, one day at a time. I started collecting all the photos I've taken since we got here in a folder on my computer where each day has it's own folder. I started numbering them, starting with Day 1, Wednesday July 3rd, the day we arrived in Pasadena.

I haven't uploaded all the millions of photos I've taken into their little folders yet, and some days I didn't take any pics, but for the ones I have and the days that have been experiences that were memorable and I'd like to remember and share, I'm going to begin posting peeks from my new world on here.

Starting with one of my favorite places and views here in Pasadena, one just a few steps away from our apartment. When we first moved here, we didn't have a car. So for two months, we walked everywhere and/or relied entirely on public transportation. This little stroll near El Molino Ave quickly became one of my favorites and still is. I walk near these apartments almost every day on my daily walks, I'm always surprised at how this view never gets old and the beauty takes my breath away every time.

First on deck, the beautiful apartments on El Molino Ave right near Fuller! Oh, one more thing. Architecture. Didn't know I was a fan, but I am. I have discovered a love and appreciated I never knew I had for architecture and Pasadena has no shortage of sights and architectural treasures that will take your breath away.

One of the things I love about these and other apartments near these ones is the Spanish-style architecture, old and modern elements. (Just did a little research, the style is called "Spanish Mission" architecture.) We got to see inside the courtyards to some other apartments like these one of the days we went on a Craigslist spree and went to pick up a bed and couch from a girl moving out of one of them and ohmylanta, I wish I'd had my phone or camera with me, it was out of control.

Here's a stroll down the street and around my new neighborhood on two gorgeous Pasadena days, days that were healing and refreshing for me in many ways as I went for a walk and took pics of my this spot I love while processing, Day 75: Sunday Sept. 14, the last day of Invisible Illness Awareness Week, and Day 118: Monday Oct. 28. I'm starting with just the few I took on Day 118, Day 75 will be coming soon!

I just can't get over this view. I'm always taken aback, one of the prettiest parts of our street.

It's also crazy to see this much green this time of year. I took more pics of these flowers my first time around, will be posting those as well soon.

Found an apartment listing for these, here's what they've got to say about them:

"This beautiful Heritage Walk town home is two flights of stairs above street level, so you are far removed from street level for privacy and serenity. This Spanish Mission architecture is Old Pasadena and Theater District adjacent for urban living at its best. This unit boasts many custom upgrades and features including a main bedroom suite and a shared patio off of the formal dining room. There is custom carpeting and hardwood flooring, built-in cabinetry, high ceilings, and spacious laundry room. The kitchen has wood cabinets & stainless steel appliances. Attached tandem garage for two autos and direct access to the entry hall. Heritage Walk is conveniently located between the South Lake shopping district, Paseo Colorado and Old Pasadena. It is walking distance to the Pasadena Playhouse district with Laemmle's Theater and Vromans Bookstore. Entertainment in town is cool with many near by restaurants and theaters."

This might seem normal, but I had to stop and take a picture of these leaves, the MOST fall colored leaves and the most I've ever seen all at one time here in SoCal! There really are no "seasons" here, so seeing leaves change color is a rarity. More trees started browning or turning into reds as November went on, but still this is a rare and beautiful sight. So gorgeous too on these sidewalks. Also whipped out my boots for the first time that day, totally fall all around!

Such a beautiful and refreshing day. Posting more days soon!

He knows that we are dust.

 

i don't know why but those words just brought so much comfort to my heart.
he knows that we are dust.

amen.

a new song [letters to _______, no. 06]

he has put a new song in my heart.
my god who has spoken and who has seen.

the one who whispers to my heart, words he has promised me,
words of what he has done.

"behold, my dear child,
i will restore what the locusts have eaten."

i am fighting for you.
i love you.
i see you.
i know you.
and i am never going to leave you.

i am for you.
i am with you.
i am here.

i will restore you.

and she gave a new name to her god.
"yes, you are my god who sees me,
you have restored what the locusts have eaten.
you are my god who has not forgot.
my god of great faithfulness, mercy, and grace,
my god of unfailing, everlasting love."

be glorified.
for you are my healer.
the one who will never abandon israel even in her long and tireless walk through the desert.

you are my sustainer.

my god whose love touches, heals, restores.
my god who restores what the locusts have eaten.
from out of death comes new life.
life in abundance, more fuller and richer than ever before.

i sing a new song to my king.
our god has not forgot.
________, he has not forgotten us.
we are seen. we are known. we are held.

held by a power greater than anything on this earth.
held by the hands of the one who holds it all, holds us together.
our god whose love never fails.

there will be pain in the night.
but His joy comes in the morning.

he will restore you [letters to _______, no. 05]

"I will restore what the locusts have eaten."

Dear ________,

It's been a busy day. I have so much I have to tell you. I am blown away yet again at the countless ways our God sees and knows our hearts, our every need, how He longs to provide.

He has done that in ways in which only He can.

Encouraged and restored and lifted my heart in ways that only He knew would speak to me the most. I am amazed. He heals the brokenhearted. He saves those who are crushed in spirit and I can tell you last night I was in the pit of despair. The most heartbroken, disillusioned, and crushed I have felt in a long time.

But, I have to tell you something. Before I even get to tell you more about the last 24 hours, I've been wanting to write all day but it's bee a busy day and I'm finally getting a chance to sit at my computer for more than a few seconds and I've got a busy day ahead of me tomorrow so I'll have to share more later, but these words all day have been on my heart:

These eight words that encompass more than I can find words to express right now, words that speak to that which He has been doing the last three to four weeks and really since we moved out here, through now and what He will continue to do. This God who plots for our joy. Who does not bring us a cup of suffering without also bringing with it an offering and over-abundance of joy. Life as we've never seen nor lived it before, life in the fullness of Him whether in the eye of the storm or in times of supposed safety. He is there and He is plotting for YOUR joy.

I realized I need to start talking.

Something happened within me today when I realized, as the fog and the heaviness began to lift and I slowly felt like I wasn't walking through a daze anymore that has shrouded the last few days, it was as if the breakthrough happened instanesouly, and suddenly my eyes were opened.

I had these words enter my mind as the breakthrough began to happen. It was when I realized I have been silenced by my Enemy. The One who does not want this or the story God is telling through the various circumstances and experiences God is bringing me through right now.

I made a promise. I made a vow.

No longer. No longer, not one more day am I going to allow the Enemy to STEAL how the Lord has restored what the locusts have eaten.

Not one more day, will I let him silence me. Keep me from sharing the wonders of your love, who you are, and how you fight for your children.

We are never out of your sight.
There are no lengths to which you won't go to have us.
When one of us is lost, you stop everything, abandon the 99 to find the 1.
We're that important to you.

We matter.
You see your precious children.
You fight for them all day long.
You love them more than they could ever imagine.
And you've given up everything for them. Just to be with them.

In hopes, in desires that we would just simple turn, simply look to You, walk with and trust You.

You who is our Hope.
You who is our Strength.

You who is our everything.
Jehovah Jireh.
Our God is a God who provides.

You love us.
You love me.

You have seen and heard of my misery.
You lifted me from the pit of despair.

And reminded me, restored me, encouraged me, and healed me. Reminded me of who You are and who I am as a result.

I am deeply and dearly loved.
You love me more than I could ever imagine.
And your joy comes in the morning.

His joy may not come right away. It may not come the next morning. Or the next day, or the next.

But, hold on. Take heart. For your victory is coming.

God is plotting for your joy.
His joy comes in the morning.

He has not forgotten us, dear friend.
He is especially, especially near.

And there is so much more to this battle, so much more going on than you and others can even now yet see.

Hold on, I promise you, there is more.
Our suffering is NOT in vain.

He is my peace. He comforts me with songs of joy.
I don't have words to explain all that has happened, all that I do know is that He can heal and restore even our deepest of heartaches, but the times of despair, the times of devastation, frustration, disppointment after disappointment are not bad.

In fact, admitting them is necessary. For we cannot move on until we do. We can't gloss over those feelings in hopes of them just going away. As one of my favorite authors says, there is a cry of the soul that demands to be heard.

This is what my letters are to you. My raw, unedited cries of the soul. Cries of the soul that demand expression, that need a place, and a home.

Our feelings at any given moment aren't threatening to Him.
He knows that working through, admitting and acknowledging them is the first step.

We must bring our full selves to Him. The parts that hurt as well as the parts that rejoice.

There are going to be nights like last night where it feels like it there will never be light again. The times the darkness is so real and so heavy you can't see past or believe there will be dawn.

But then there are also going to be times when joy truly does come in the morning. When He heals us in ways only He can.

God is plotting for your joy. For you and for me.
I promise, it will get better.

The darkness will, when we least expect it, again turn to dawn.

letters to _______, no. 04

Dear _________,

Do you ever feel like life is passing you by? That everyone else is getting to live and do the things you wish you could?

Me too.

letters to _______, no. 03

Dear _________,

Do you ever feel so alone you feel invisible? I don't understand why you and I have to suffer. I don't understand why there are millions of people in this world, many people in my life, and as the prayer requests went around at my women's small group the other night, many people in each of lives living with physical ailments.

I don't understand why there has to be pain. Disease. Sickness and death in this world.

It's something I know theologically and in my head, but an issue I struggle to reconcile with all that is within my heart.

I don't know why you and I have to suffer. Why we have to live with ongoing health conditions that despite our ever living hour and fight to place this thing in its cage and not let it rule or control our lives, its burden is like hiking uphill with lead in our boots and bowling balls in our backpacks.

Our lives and our bodies breaking beneath its weight.

I wish I could take your pain away. And you mine. I wish prayers and the advancement of medicine, and the love and support of friends and people who long to see us made well could make it all better, take our suffering away.

I dream of waking up and everything being normal. I found myself waking up to that dream even yet again just this evening. A dream that came crashing down as I reconginzed that first piercing pain in my legs.

Reminding me this is far from over, I am not yet home.

Tonight, I'm praying for you and for me. For though we feel invisible, helpless and utterly alone at times, our suffering and our pain is not invisible to God. He sees and knows and grieves with us. Even though just writing that last sentence I am reminded of a question that resurfaced Thursday in some of the greatest physical pain I've been in in a long time. If He can do something, why won't He. Why hasn't He. If He can take it away, why hasn't He yet.

These were questions I wasn't even entirely sure I wanted answers to, yet questions that surfaced and just needed to be admitted for what they were. Cries from a heart that is broken, a pain emanating from a place deep within.

A place that knows in her heart as well as her head that she is loved, that she has done nothing to deserve this, yet a place that still wonders even still, but am I, but what have I done to deserve this.

I don't know why you and I have to suffer.

I don't know why life as we knew it got ripped out from underneath us like this, I don't understand or know why it has to be like this.

But as much as I don't want to say this, I know it will all make sense one day.
Hold on.

And don't be afraid to ask the questions on your heart.
For they are there for a reason and often the questions themselves become the answers we're longing for. Oftentimes, those questions begin to be the very thing that lifts, heals our broken hearts.

Hold on.

Our victory, our help, our relief is coming.
One day, one question, one heartbreak, one victory at a time.

letters to _______, no. 02

{the pain we hold inside}

Dear _______,

Do you ever fear that people don't believe you? I'm not just talking doctors, I mean friends, family, co-workers, people around you?

Making new friends, I find I want to keep this buried down within like a secret.

I don't want to let it out for fear of how it will be received.

After the other night when it came spilling out, I found myself facing that as I was talking with girls after small group. The dynamics changed, some of them seemed to be looking at me differently.

I had to wrestle with this very real reality in the coming days: I fear they don't believe me. Which later became, what if they don't.

It's crazy meeting me now at this time and stage of the game. If you didn't know me before, my life and my capacity looks normal. Even to people who did know me before, my life looks back to normal.

Am I being fake, am I wanting/trying to fool people? No, I'm just trying to live my life. Make the most and the best out of everyday I'm given.

I live till it hurts.

There is no amount of physical activity, big or small that doesn't cost.

But, what's the alternative.

I'm going to be tired and in pain if I sit at home all day just as I am if I choose to go out with friends.

It's going to cost me physically, but fill me up emotionally and spiritually.

Living with a chronic illness, especially one that has not been probably properly diagnosed brings a level of shame and scrutiny far too much for any one person to bear. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

But then again, we all know there are days when we do. Days when we wish others knew the hell we were daily living in. The hell in which we have had to make and look functionable, when it feels like everyone else just gets to live their life. Free of this battle, free from these chains and the myriad of ways this thing rears its ugly head into every nook and cranny of our everyday lives and very existence.

Life's not fair.

Somehow that's strangely comforting as it is disparaging. We wish it was. If it was, we wouldn't hurt so bad.

It hurts when you realize others may not only not believe you, but think you're being a baby/just not able to handle or tolerate pain.

The world of chronic pain is a world I wish nobody had to live in. It's a harsh, cruel place. One that affects not only those afflicted with the pain personally, but those closest in its midst, in its wake. The caregivers in the forms of husbands, spouses, family members, close friends.

It's something that colors everything it touches.

And you find yourself wondering, longing for what normal even was or felt like.
Something that only feels like a dream.