how long, o lord

this is how i feel right now. i feel tricked, i feel betrayed, i feel disillusioned, angry, and depressed. i don't understand. for the life of me i cannot understand. it feels so unfair. i just want out of this nightmare. i want to wake up and have this all be over. i'm damned if i do, damned if i don't. i don't care anymore. i don't know why i even try. people can't understand. or why i don't write on here or email or post health updates anymore, people are going to misunderstand you anyway, so what does it even matter. i don't care anymore. i'm just going to let it out. i can't believe where i was two weeks ago. the darkest and most devastating setback physically we've endured in years. it catapulted me into what it was like the first six months to a year i was sick. then breakthroughs. recoveries, victories. the week after that was a different story. then this week. all up until yesterday was fine. all up until yesterday afternoon. i just don't understand. i don't want to be in this anymore. get me out of this hellhole. i would give anything to wake up and have a normal life again like everybody else. my heart can't take it anymore. i'm tired of it. my patience and hope has worn thin.

yesterday was the first time i felt it. the morning treatments had me in good spirits. i felt like i could see light at the end of the tunnel. i still knew it was going to be a long however more month, year process, but that quickly evaporated by the afternoon. for the first time i realized something i have felt/fear/entertained from time to time but a reality that became far too real as i sat there again in the dentist chair with a millions eyes looking at me. there may never be an end to this.


i feel wounded, i feel hurt, i feel defeated, i feel crushed, i feel disappointed, i feel discouraged, i feel disillusioned, i feel furious, i feel vengeful, hateful, humiliated, betrayed, disgusted, offended, infantialized, controlled, vulnerable, bewildered, and trapped.

and i usually don't write on here, but i don't care anymore. people don't get it or understand anyway so what's the harm in being even more judged, looked down upon, dismissed, and misunderstood. i say people, but that doesn't mean everyone. i have a handful of friends who are supportive and do get it and understand. but all of us know no one can really fully know and understand what we are going through unless they are going through it. no one who really knows, gets it and sees like god. this isn't just our situation, this is everyone. all of us have hard and painful things in our lives that bring about this loneliness because it is a road only we full know and understand. this is my friends, this is my family, my acquaintences, the people i envy. i know none of us on this earth feel completely understood in all our circumstances.

sidenote, but that just needed to be said. continuing where i was going.

up until now, god has given me patience. but that patience wore thin at my third appointment at USC dental, a four hour long mind-numbing session with a student dentist i'm switching from and going to go with the guy i worked with yesterday, then things were okay, but now i've lost it again. i found myself as i came back to our apartment, already fragile when i was out there trying to have a conversation with them,

--
okay, so i got interrupted. ironically, after writing all of this, i am feeling better. maybe i should give this blogging thing a try again. i came back to my old blog because i realized i needed something familiar. so much is changing, new and different in my life right now and my heart needed a familar place where it could be raw, real, unedited, come undone.

maybe i will blog again, maybe it is good for my heart. so much of what has held me back from posting on here or my other blog or health updates in emails or facebook save the handful of friends i email regularly with health updates/prayer requests and other things in the midst of our transition, is my fear of what people will think of me. this sound juvenile, but we all know it isn't. i want to be free. i want to stop caring about what people may or may not be thinking of me. being in a situation with living with an undiagnosed illness only heightens this insecurity. it brings a level of shame i cannot describe.

a level of shame i was painfully reminded of yesterday as i was met by stares and silence when i was grilled on why i was on all this medication, as if i want to be taking all this prescription medication at my age, and when they asked what the diagnosis was, what the test results said, and i had to say, every test has come back "normal," have you seen a neurologist, have you seen a this, that, the other, yes yes yes, i told them. and what did they say? what have they been able to figure out, and i had to hold it together even though i was seconds away from tears and tell them, they haven't been able to figure out what is wrong yet. then i nearly lost it when i was grilled on dental work in the past. as if i want to be here.

as if i enjoy going to the dentist all the time. i just want my life back i told them. i don't want to be here and have to have all these procedures done all the time, we just want to fix everything as fast as we can, we don't know what got us here, but we are fighting and want to get it all done. i'll probably regret posting this later. i'll probably do what i always do and take it down, make it private. but for now, i'm letting it out. i'm choosing to not be shackled by my fear of others' opinions of me. i am choosing to do what is good for the sake of my heart, wherever I'm at, regardless of my fears of what may or may not happen. i just want to be free.

news for my blog peeps!

Hello friends!

So, I've kinda abandoned this lil ole blog here. For the last year or so, Twitter has replaced my need for blogging, as I can get out and process things in short little tidbits that satisfy the external processor in me, and then recently, since entering the smartphone age in February, Instagram has become my new and most favorite current form of blogging. I can process my life in pictures and words in short and sometimes long tidbits and slices of my day from the ease of my phone. I love it.

But, I've been wanting to start a NEW blog about my upcoming adventures and as my hubby and I are entering a new season of life. I haven't had a chance to make it yet, or figure out if I'm going to use this one for that yet, but I was planning on catching up on blogging/starting my new blog when we get out there, when life will finally slow down for me, but after the last post that I'd originally posted on fb before getting a request for me to move it to my blog (oh, the joys with living with three very private people lol,) I realized I hadn't updated those of you I know through just on here, it feels surreal and real all at the same time, but in just two and a half weeks, my husband and I are moving to California, he was recently accepted to Fuller Theological Seminary!!!

We're in the midst of round 2 of goodbyes, as the last few weeks of school we had goodbyes with our students from the campus church I work for that would be leaving for the summer in May, and now we're in our last three weeks here in Columbia, saying goodbye to people and places we love! There are so many mixed emotions, I plan to write more about it here or on the new blog, but we could not be more excited for the opportunity to move into this new season and all this move and him getting into Fuller means and represents to us!

.:blessings:.

{blessings, gifts of his grace} If you would have told me that moving back into my parent's house for the first time in 11 years was going to be like this, I wouldn't have believed you. We've only been here a week and a half, but it has seriously been amazing.

My brother is also living at home temporarily right now too and a few weeks ago graciously offered to move from his mini apartment downstairs to his old bedroom upstairs so Ben and I could live in the basement for a month. I have never been more grateful for my parent's home, their and my brother's generosity.

It is such a blessing being able to have a home in the midst of our transition, a place to lay our heads, put all our stuff as we continue to sort out what's staying, what we want to get rid of, and what we want to take to California. It's also been a gift and a blessing getting time with family before we leave.

This morning my heart has been struck by how good and faithful the Lord is and how He provides. And how He, to steal words from one of my faves, Dan Allender, "surprises us with His gracious love, no matter what our circumstances."

:: photo by tec petaja photography

// your love shines //

"For with you is the fountain of life;

in your light, we see light."

:: psalm 36:9

.:: a new day

.::Behold, I am the Lord, your God, the One who has called you from the wilderness, behold, the Lord your God who is making all things new::.

..somewhere you feel free..

"you belong somewhere you feel free."

Last Sunday was an absolutely beautiful day. Some pictures of the time and place where God met me, during one of my beloved walks down our street. A place where I felt and have since been free.

.:god is plotting for your joy:.

This is a place where God met me last week. One of my favorite spots on our street and in a walk I will never forget. This time last week, well, really Sunday, I wasn't planning on leaving town the next day for our staff conference. I had been looking forward to going, my first time since being on staff I would be able to go, as the first spring once I was released from support-raising, the conference was just a month into dealing with my illness.

But, this year was different. This year, while I am still dealing with my health issues, I was in a much different place. I was actually excited to go, but that all began to change over the course of the weekend.

I had a lot of momentum for several new projects I was excited to start up and had plans for getting those going over the course of the week, including tackling one of my biggest fears, my prayer letter. I also was super excited to work on garage sale stuff and couldn't wait to get some work done on that all last week. Then there's all that is going on with my health and our finances as a result, and slowly more and more it just didn't seem to make sense for me to go. It just didn't seem practical.

So, I had peace about not going and knew with the things going on I had permission not to go, and even told a couple people at church Sunday I wouldn't be leaving with them in the morning.

I thought I had peace about it. Then, I get home, take my camera down the street to get a couple pics of the headband I wore to church, when I wasn't but a few steps away from our house when I realized the real reason I had gone for my walk.

Once again, God wanted to meet with me. I can't really describe what it is that happens when I enter my street. It is like my soul is transported to this place where only He can speak with me. A place where He alone dwells.

My soul gets lost in this beautiful place that no matter how many times I've seen it, takes my breath away. I started going one way, then turned around and headed toward the direction of this side of the street shown here. I soon realized I was having to face the real reasons why I wasn't going anymore. Soon He uncovered and led me to this place where I could voice my fears.

I soon realized I was being asked to trust Him. Do you, will you trust me? He lovingly asked as I realized more and more, my reasons for not going were all deeply rooted in what I thought I needed and MY plans and what I saw for my week, yet I was being asked to trust in all that was unseen. I remember the moment when I realized, He was asking me to trust Him, trust Him that I needed to go, simply because He wanted me to go. 

I couldn't know, I couldn't see, but I knew there was something He wanted me to experience there, and wanted me to trust Him that even though I felt I had all these things to do at home this week, that there was a reason why He wanted me to go.

I remember turning back after enjoying the beautiful weather and afternoon last Sunday, walking back and knowing I was going. All I knew was that He wanted me to go. I didn't have to understand it or know why, but I could trust Him. Trust in His character and His heart and love for me and be filled a peace that said, "I will be with you."

I remember telling someone on the drive up, that all I knew was God wanted me to go, spoke to me that it would be good for my heart, but now looking back, I could not have imagined all I would be given.

One of my dear friend's prayed this verse over me and it is something I was reminded of as we drove home and I was looking at pictures on my phone, seeing in them something different, something only my heart knew and recognized, something that truly spoke to me on levels to which only He knows as I saw and this strange thing I recognized in nearly every photo, places of where He had met me.

With my friend, Sharon, who is on staff with Texas A&M, we met at Colorado LT in 2006

New friend, Mary-Catherine, she's about to start raising support to go on staff with Illinois State and bought one of our flowers!

Found me a baby!! ;) New friends I met after one of the main sessions after me and this precious little one were making fun faces during the talk!

LT 2006 reunion! Buds from Bowling Green, Illinois State and A&M!

Got to meet one of the girls' boyfriends for the first time! Greg is dating Lindsay, a former Rock girl who now lives in Texas and is about to finish grad school at A&M and Greg is on staff with Texas State! Just a bit of a height difference ;)

I also got to meet Brandon, fiance' of one of my friends I met at an MTD (support-raising) followup conference, Jenna! She's on staff at Virginia Tech and is marrying a guy on staff with Ball State next month and Mazvita's Angels is making flowers for the bride and each of her bridesmaids, we are so honored to get to be a part of such a beautiful wedding!!

And my new friend, Suzie, she's on staff with U of I! Modeling one of our headbands!

"God is plotting for your joy." He has and He will. I remember when that verse was prayed over me. It was a year into being sick, in a women's small group, and those were words I desperately wanted to be true, but the thought of ever experiencing joy, true joy, ever again, seemed like a distant memory. Something I'd once had, but wasn't sure I would experience again. Something I would have never known I'd experience again to this degree.

Yet once again, I am reminded that joy and sorrow can often and do co-exist. In the last three years, I have learned there is a joy we can experience in the midst of our deepest heartaches and pains that I do not have words to describe, but that is truly God-given. A hope in the midst of despair, peace in uncertainty, life in the midst of ruins, and streams in the desert.

Our God is a God who provides.
One who provides so much more than we could ever ask for or imagine, One who provides far more than the material, seen, and tangible, One who is the true meeter and provider of all our needs.

My God who has anything but forgotten, nor forsaken me.

My God who is a God who provides.

"Yes, you are my Jehovah Jireh;
my God of great faithfulness,
my God of unfailing, everlasting love."