lessons from the grave, pt. I

We’ll call it a clearing. Or perhaps a stretch of a patch of sunlight on a dark, dark path we call the healing path. But now that it’s light out again, maybe just for the last few days or maybe this light is here to stay, I’m going to share the lessons that are only borne in the treasures of the darkness. The darkness so heavy it threatens to drown us, but a darkness that gives birth to the power of stillness and waiting on the God you’ve called to save you. The only One who knows the way out and the One who is tenderly leading you through.

The healing path, my own personal experiences and the book these posts have been inspired by titled believe it or not, The Healing Path, has taken me on a journey to places I wish I’d never visited. We’re far from the end, yet I’m coming up for air. Able to share a little bit of my lessons from the grave. Lessons from the shadowlands of life that man most seldom wish to go, but are sometimes the very places our God wants to walk us through. And the very places that are necessary for our growth.

I find it quite interesting that the journey God has been taking me on, and the journey that parallels a lot of the realities of pain and brokenness and healing I’m resonating with in this book, The Healing Path, started off with recollections of experiences past and present dealing with emotional pain. Allender captures it well and seems nearly every other line to put into words what I’ve struggled to feel, understand and express, so I’ll share tidbits of key parts that have spoken to me and helped me process the workings of the Spirit of God within me, where literally as He puts it beautifully, “opening our arms to a day is an act of faith.” Life hasn’t looked any bit of normal for quite sometime and each day brought enough of its own.

Yet isn’t it interesting that in the midst of that, a bout of physical pain also came knocking on my door. And the parallels and intertwining of physical and emotional pain have never been more prevalent. In the last few weeks, I’ve seen how more than ever the intricacies of the human condition. We were created as physical, emotional and spiritual beings, three in one, and while they are distinct, one cannot operate or suffer without affecting another. It has been an interesting journey. Many days I have felt like I was walking blind. Not quite sure of the ground beneath the next step I’m taking. Clinging most days, sometimes barely by a thread, to nail scarred hand that calls my name.

---

From Dan Allender’s, The Healing Path

Suffering as a Sacred Journey

"OPENING OUR ARMS TO A DAY IS AN ACT OF FAITH. Even on the days when we feel the most optimistic about the course life is taking, our confidence can be shattered by events beyond our control. A morning that begins with a cheerful whistle can be sideswiped by the droning negativity of a spouse who gets up on the wrong side of the bed. A much-anticipated vacation can be cut short by a broken leg, a stolen wallet, or the death of a loved one back home. A pleasant Sunday morning can be shot to pieces by the cool rebuff of a friend sitting in an adjacent church pew. A single split-second decision can change the course of our lives forever.

I’ll never forget the woman who told me about the morning that changed everything for her. She had put her son in the backseat of the car and buckled his seat belt, got into the front seat, and then realized she had left her purse in the house. She left the keys in the ignition, but did not start the car. She ran back into the house, and as she grabbed her purse, the phone rang. She hesitated but decided to answer it. The call lasted no more than three minutes. When she went back outside she witnessed a horror that would change everything about her life forever.

Apparently seconds after her son was left alone in the car, he escaped from the backseat, climbed to the front seat, started the car, and put it in reverse. When he felt the movement of the car, he panicked and tried to jump out. He must have caught his coat on the car door because he was dragged under the wheels and his skull was crushed. In a matter of seconds, his young life was extinguished, and his mother’s heart was shattered.

Two years after the accident the woman was doing much better, but she still suffered waves of nausea and guilt that threatened to drown her. Her marriage was at grave risk, and she continued to take medication for depression. Her story and the sorrow embedded in her eyes shook me. But one comment in particular unnerved me. “Thank you,” she said, “for letting me know it is not wrong to suffer.” Everyone else wanted her to be ”fine,” she explained. They wanted her to “move on with her life.” She said she used to have similar sentiments toward those who suffered tragic losses; she hadn’t understood the depth of harm with which they wrestled. Now she did. Wistfully she commented, “I simply never thought that tragedy could really, I mean really, come to my door.” "

- Allender, The Healing Path

the problem of pain

It has seemed as if an invisible enemy has been taken my life by storm in the last three months.

And now I am literally bound to the confines of my own home, on bed/house rest, was taken for a 10 minute car ride yesterday and just the drive up the street to Starbucks brought me so much pain it wasn’t even worth it.

I feel like so much of my life has been slipping through my fingertips.

I am not in control and every day just wake up wishing I’m in some nightmare and that the pain will go away.

I feel disqualified from life. or life as I knew it.
It’s as if I’m watching everyone live life as normal and watching their lives pass me by when mine seems to be standing still.

There’s a reality that has been making itself more and more apparent in the last few days, I’m really sick, something is wrong and we don’t know what it is.

The uncertainty is crippling. At any given moment I’m somewhere between the caverns of faith or doubt, knowing yet struggling to believe at the same time that He is with me and promises to take care of me.

At different moments in the last couple of weeks, my Father has spoken these reassuring words to the depths of my soul when I needed them the most. Some days, it is only this gentle whisper that gives me the strength to go on:

“Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you…”

“God is our refuge and our strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble, therefore we will not fear…”

Like I said, it seems like an invisible enemy has been eating away at my life the last three months. Every week I felt, this week things will get back to normal only to be more and more devastated.

It started a few months ago with a maelstrom of emotional pain that hadn’t died down, only intensified, and then in the last 2 weeks replaced by an incredible amount of physical pain.

If there is anything I have learned about pain in the last couple of weeks of few months, physical or emotional it is that pain is persistent.

It demands our attention.

Pain does not whisper, it shouts.
Nags.
Bothers.

Pain is invasive.
It disrupts life. or perhaps, it unravels and disrupts the masquerade we knew as life, as one of my favorite authors puts it.

Pain does not ask, it intrudes.

I’ve been writing about the analogies between physical and emotional pain at length in the last three weeks, words I hadn’t had time nor the energy or strength to share, but now, as I’m on home rest the next at least another week, I’m going to try and start articulating them.

I’ll share more of those later, but just off the cuff as I sit here in my quiet living room, the first moment all day where I have not been in pain, I am feeling somewhat normal again.

Pain is like that unwanted visitor that just will not go away.

I remember how frustrating it was a few weeks ago when I was woken up once again in the wee hours of the morning by a nagging toothache. During that week, I couldn’t sleep more than a few hours before waking up due to the pain. Nothing seemed to bring relief.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. As I trudged to the kitchen to get a glass of water and then reached into my purse for some ibuprofen and some teeth gel Ben got me, I realized, this is useless.

Nothing will dull the ache.

I’m taking 3 ibuprofen every few hours for the pain (as prescribed) and it’s not even touching it!

As I sat there, in my feeble attempts to alleviate the pain, I realized how true of a parallel that is in the rest of our lives.

We will do anything to avoid or alleviate the pain.
But sometimes the pain gets so great, all we’re doing is merely temporarily numbing it, only for it to come back in just a little bit.

To heal the pain, you have to get at the source.

I remember just wanting to yank my tooth out in that moment. I had slept with an ice pack the whole night just to aid with that entire side of my face throbbing. The splitting headaches during the day were enough to make me feel like I was going crazy. Nothing was working.

The pain demanded attention.
Pain is a signal.

It is our body’s way of alarming us that something is wrong, and that something needs to be addressed.

I realized how real the physical pain and my feeble attempts to numb it, correlated with my own emotional pain and storm I’ve been in the last few months.

Everyday, every week, I felt like things would be getting better. But sadly, they were only getting worse.

I don’t know why all of these things are happening right now. In fact, just a week and a half ago, in the midst of the toothache and processing the other challenges I was facing emotionally, I had finally come to acceptance. And instead of fighting, was embracing the healing path that God has me on and my fiancé.

We started reading a book by Dan Allender called The Healing Path and it has been resonating deeply with us and the journey God currently has us on. A journey we did not choose, but have found ourselves on after a series of difficult circumstances have surrounded us. A journey and path that leads to life, more of life than we had been living, but one that does not cut the corners of walking through the dense and thick valleys of the valley of the shadow of death.

A tiny glimmer called hope.

Some days it is only this tiny dot on the horizon that can keep me going and remind me of the One who is holding my hand and holding me through all of this. Some days the darkness enveloping you seems overwhelming and you forget that this isn’t where you will always be, but that you are simply passing through.

The biggest correlation I felt that day, as I reached for ibuprofen to alleviate the pain was that to get at pain, you have to go directly to the source. You have to go to the root.

It involves a painful venture directly into the center of the pain, not away from it.

Just like a root canal, this invasive procedure is the only way to get all of the infection out. There is no other way.

The problem with pain is that while it hurts, it is healing.

Yet it demands attention. I couldn’t take it any longer and had to call my dentist and ask for an appointment immediately.

The thing with pain is we keep wishing it will just go away. Just like with the challenging situations I was faced with emotionally in the last few months, and just a week ago telling a friend I just couldn’t wait for life to get back to normal, is the reality that sometimes that pain is now a part of everyday life as we know it.

We never choose pain. Something in The Healing Path that really struck me is how often we set out on journeys that are supposed to look one way, only to find out, much to our surprise that instead of “Peace” and “Joy,” our companions for our journey are “Sorrow” and “Suffering,” the traveling companions of Much Afraid in Hannah Hurnard’s Hinds Feet on High Places allegory. I could relate to this so much, as I'm in a season where I'm getting married and on the outside you would think and expect everything to be exciting and joyous and for this to be a time filled with celebration and anticipation, yet while I am extremely grateful for the gift of getting to spend the rest of my life with this man, this season has looked anything but what I ever thought or imagined.

I’ve stopped fighting now and am accepting. Accepting whatever is happening within me, accepting the uncertainty of it all, accepting the pain and continuing to grieve, all that I feel I have lost and all I am not able to do right now or be a part of. Grief that is healing. That feels the full weight of the loss, yet relies on a grace that sustains, a grace that carries, and knows they are never alone and that He alone is faithful and eminently reliable. He will pull me through.

"When I am afraid, I will trust in You."

Love,
Avia
Hebrew for "Her Father is Lord"

a place called home

Creating a Home Together, from Henri Nouwen:

"Many human relationships are like the interlocking fingers of two hands. Our loneliness makes us cling to each other, and this mutual clinging makes us suffer immensely because it does not take our loneliness away. But the harder we try, the more desperate we become. Many of these "interlocking" relationships fall apart because they become suffocating and oppressive. Human relationships are meant to be like two hands folded together. They can move away from each other while still touching with the fingertips. They can create space between themselves, a little tent, a home, a safe place to be.

True relationships among people point to God. They are like prayers in the world. Sometimes the hands that pray are fully touching, sometimes there is distance between them. They always move to and from each other, but they never lose touch. They keep praying to the One who brought them together."

:: Henri Nouwen

the sacred marraige

"IN OUR MARRIAGE I HAVE PRAYED constantly that God will so fill Margie and me with His presence that even in some of the difficult moments we may have to work through, we may be able to resist the temptation to be rude or unkind to each other. I like to use the term cherishing your partner. That word comes from the French verb cherir, which means to hold dear or endear to yourself, to care for tenderly, to esteem or consider a person costly by your treatment of him or her. What you cherish, you hold close to you; what you hold closely, you protect; what you protect, you have.

'To have and to hold' can be reversed to say 'to hold and to have.' This is very much rooted in the very terms God uses of His own kindness to His people."

Ravi Zacharias | I, Isaac, Take Thee, Rebekah

:::

Though we are not yet married, so much within this quote resonates deep within and our experiences in the last couple of months and trials surrounding us that have affected our relationship, yet only strengthened our bond and love for one another and love for our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He has walked and traveled with us on this journey not of the feet but of the heart in ways that simply defy understanding. He is worthy to be praised.

:::

"... because your love if better than life, my lips will glorify you..."
psalm 63:3


- photo courtesy of my friend kyle kroeger, check out his bride's awesome toms!

like water to my soul...

¹ I wait quietly before God,
for my victory comes from him.
² He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress where I will never be shaken.

³ So many enemies against one man—
all of them trying to kill me.
To them I’m just a broken-down wall
or a tottering fence.
⁴ They plan to topple me from my high position.
They delight in telling lies about me.
They praise me to my face
but curse me in their hearts.

⁵ Let all that I am wait quietly before God,

for my hope is in him.
⁶ He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress where I will not be shaken.
⁷ My victory and honor come from God alone.
He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
⁸ O my people, trust in him at all times.
Pour out your heart to him,
for God is our refuge.

psalm 62:1-8

a beautiful dear friend read these words aloud to me in this version, after i shared with her how reading these words over my lunch break today was like receiving water to my soul... they were words straight from the heart of my father, who knew i was desperate and needed to have a sense of his peace and assurance, one that surpasses understanding. i loved this wording and the power of these verses hit me all over again and gave me the hope and the strength that i needed to see, seek and follow my god.

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him."

towels!

Yes, towels.

Okay, you know you're getting married when you're really excited about towels and it even warrants a blog post.

It’s crazy how much difference a day makes. We have been to hell and back in the last month, and today was the first day in, I can honestly say, the last month and a half that has felt normal.

God you are good.

You are taking care of us and bringing us through this hard season and allowing us to be able to face the realities we’re still wrestling with, yet also claim the joy we have of this season and our upcoming season entering marriage!

Tonight, we started at Home Depot. Yes, we’re registering there, I’m marrying Mr. Fix-it and so new drills and tools are a MUST for this man :)

Last week, we decided on registering at Target, Bed Bath and Beyond and Home Depot. The first two were easy choices to select the essentials and basics, then as he begged and pleaded that we would have one non-traditional store on there that has hardware and tools and appliances, it was a toss up between Lowe’s and Home Depot. It was hilarious, as we were sitting there looking online, I was like, babe, you can’t register at Lowe’s or Home Depot for your WEDDING, so of course he was on a mission to prove me wrong lol. Lo and behold, Home Depot, not Lowe's however, does in fact have a wedding registry :)

I joke about it all, but carpentry, fixing things in the house or cars, or building things are some of the things he really enjoys doing and are things he's really good at, so I was happy to oblige. I also told him if there's anyone who can get away with having "Home Depot" one their wedding invitations it was him lol.

We had a blast tonite, it marked my second trip ever to Home Depot, surprisingly, it’s not really my scene :) But it's almost worth the trip just seeing him in there. A lot like how I am when I get lost in a bookstore, a new coffee shop or Ann Taylor.

Then, dinner at Bandana’s, then off to Club Wedd at good ole Target where we registered for towels, towels and more towels. Lol, among other things, but we got a few things on there and plan to come back later this week when we have more time, we had so much fun.

There was just something about the fact we were picking out the dish towels that will go in OUR kitchen… the towels and rug that will go in OUR bathroom, the folding chairs and card table we will use when we have the students over to play cards or hang out at OUR house, there was just something about it, it just built so much excitement between us for living together and creating our new home! And I love being with someone who is equally excited about these things and counting down the days till we are married.

Who knew you could ever get so excited about picking out towels? It was great to have a night where we could relax, have fun, joke again, not work through or process or have to deal with hard things again, and have some of the stress of the trials in the last couple months slip away for once, and we could just be. And do normal things engaged couples do, like pick out things for their new home. It felt good to have a little bit of normalcy in the midst of what has been chaos. And to be thankful again that we get to share our lives together, the good times and the hard ones too.

Just 94 days to go!!! YAY!!!!

i am abba's child

Prayer is the death to every identity that does not come from God.

:: brennan manning