Uncharted territory: My life the last two weeks.

This devotional so perfectly captures my experiences in the last two weeks, a time where my soul is being drawn and wooed closer to Him, and my heart is being brought into deeper devotion with the One I was created to worship. Life hasn't been the same since. Change is scary, but it is in the divide between what is known and what is unknown that growth happens.

Uncharted territory
Forging a new path

From Streams in the Desert:

Go inside and shut the door behind you and your sons. (2 Kings 4:4)

The widow and her two sons were to be alone with God. They were not dealing with the laws of nature, human government, the church or the priesthood. Nor were they even dealing with God’s great prophet, Elisha. They had to be isolated from everyone, separated from human reasoning, and removed from the natural tendencies to prejudge their circumstance. They were to be as if cast into the vast expanse of starry space, depending on God alone—in touch with the Source of miracles.

This is an ingredient in God’s plan of dealing with us. We are to enter a secret chamber of isolation in prayer and faith that is very fruitful. At certain times and places, God will build a mysterious wall around us. He will take away all the supports we customarily lean upon, and will remove our ordinary ways of doing things. God will close us off to something divine, completely new and unexpected, and that cannot be understood by examining our previous circumstances. We will be in a place where we do not know what is happening, where God is cutting the cloth of our lives by a new pattern, and thus where He causes us to look at Him.

Most Christians live a treadmill life—a life in which that can predict almost everything that will come their way. But the souls that God leads into unpredictable and special situations are isolated by Him. All they know is God is holding them and that He is dealing in their lives. Then their expectations come from Him alone.

Like this widow, we must be detached from outward things and attached inwardly to the Lord alone in order to see His wonders.

It is through he most difficult trials that God often brings the sweetest discoveries of Himself….”

I have tasted and I have seen the goodness of the Lord. Taste and see that the Lord is good, not by looking at the pain and the suffering in our lives with a blind eye, but with eyes fully open and aware of all that is going on, yet with a soul that still praises Him, for He alone is He. Apart from Him there is no Savior. He loves and He saves in order that we may truly live.

That I may know You...

Over the last two months, I’ve been finding an intense hunger and desire to know the truth about God. The truth about the Gospel. The truth about what it means to follow Jesus and to know who he really is. And the truth about myself in light of that.

I came to this place after situations and circumstances stripping me down to the realization that there is so much I do not know about God.

This affects EVERYTHING.

As Tozer states in Knowledge of the Holy, “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.”

There was a moment in a crisis a couple weeks ago where I realized that this crisis had nothing to do with what was happening externally.

The scariest thing was, what my moments of crisis revealed:

The true condition of my heart towards God…

It all came down to this, what I was believing and thinking to be true of God in those critical moments. I knew I had to fight. I sat for a good three hours on a couch just trying to collect myself and hear from God. Only God could see all that was going on and I knew how I responded was more of the issue than the issue itself. I was brutally honest with God, of the tensions I was feeling and the mixture of emotions I was feeling, I felt caught between to very severe places I could have gone with it, as it brought my biggest struggles with God and myself to the surface. When finally, I told myself I need to remind myself of who you ARE, Lord. Everything I’d been reading in my Mother Teresa book and hearing women speak about at women’s ministry came crashing down to the surface…

Yet the felt like empty words.

I had to fight to believe the truth even when it seemed so far away. I flipped through scriptures and started writing down verses that reflected God’s character to counteract all I was feeling at the moment… nothing happened right away, I still felt like I was reading a foreign language, but I knew I had to keep reading.

I then started to pray. For the first time, God spoke to my heart something specific about how to pray. It was later on that day when I realized why. It was such an intense, personal encounter with God and hearing His voice and of God taking care of me, that I say the situation was the best thing that cold have happened to me.

It saved my faith.

It has culminated from a desire I’ve had through other situations in the last few months, about who God is really…

This has been something I’ve desired to pursue as God’s been bringing new insights in his Word to me, and I’ve been focusing on reading books that would help me see God and the Gospel in a fresh perspective and challenge how I would normally think.

Today, these words kept intersecting my thoughts

“that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.”

I went to the entire passage and His word came alive to me again through these words, parts of Isaiah 43…

10 "You are my witnesses," declares the LORD,
"and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor will there be one after me.

11 I, even I, am the LORD,
and apart from me there is no savior…

it seems now we’re in completely uncharted territory. That crisis a couple weeks ago coupled with an intensely stressful situation this week are part of what God’s doing to lead on a new path, with Him alone as my Guide.

16 This is what the LORD says—
he who made a way through the sea,
a path through the mighty waters,

17 who drew out the chariots and horses,
the army and reinforcements together,
and they lay there, never to rise again,
extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:

18 "Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.

the cost of new growth

“This process of entering the past will disrupt life or, at least, the existence that masquerades itself as life… The fabric of life will need to be unraveled piece by piece as the Master reweaves the cloth to His design.” - Wounded Heart, Allender

This has been the most painfully, beautiful life-changing experience. The last 48 hours just brought me into new life. Part of me was set free.

And someone just told me last week I’m taking the hardest class. How come no one told me that before lol. There have been things that have come up that I know if there are not dealt with will ruin my life.

“She was faced with two choices. If I continue to live a lie, I’ll slowly rot from the inside out, pretending all is well when I’m really dying inside. Her choices were clear: lie, and die slowly; or talk and be immediately cut off. It sounds tragic to put it this way, but in her mind, living (that is, admitting all that was true) required that she forget her only hope of life: the support of family and friends." - Wounded Heart

We learn one rule: tell no one. Its in the dark our secrets grow. It doesn’t matter what kind of addiction or pain inflicted upon us, no one has to be taught the rule of secrecy, and it is in secrecy that … our fears become larger than life. While, I started “breaking the silence” seven years ago and have told my story and shared it so many times it no longer has hold on me, there is still more damage to be healed.

“Her plight is not uncommon. It seems that whenever a woman or a man who has been abused enters into the horrors of his or her past, a terrible price must be paid.

This situation is like that of a friend of mine whose wrist was broken when he was a young child. Due to the neglect of his parents the bone was never properly healed, but it did mend. The bone attached itself in a manner that allows him to function adequately until he attempts to bend his wrist. It is healed, but at the cost of his never being able to play any racquet sport in the way it was intended to be played. He copes well, but the effects of his parents’ neglect are ever with him. If he wanted to restore his wrist, he would need to have the bone rebroken and endure a lengthy recuperative process, putting a sizable burden on his family for a time.

Why bother when he has learned so effectively to cope with the wound? A similar question rages in the minds of many abuse victims.” - Wounded Heart

The best way to describe what I’m going through is its like undergoing open-heart surgery, without anesthesia. You feel it ALL. It is painful. It is necessary. You know you need to go through it, but going through it “sober” sucks.

Or, at times, I have felt like I’m going through detox. We’ve done a lot of drug abuse training in the last year at The Shelter because more and more women we are housing are dealing with long substance abuse problems. We usually have them go to McCainbridge, but sometimes they slip in under the radar.

One resident recently shared with me her pain, “I never felt the weight of this because I always had the drugs. Now I’m here. I’m bruised and I’m bleeding. And going through this sober is almost more than I can bear.”

Then, as I’ve been experiencing in the physical sense at the Shelter, women go through several breakdowns, as their bodies are literally out of control and adjusting to coping with life without the aide of drugs.

In the same way, I feel this is why this has been so difficult, yet so life-changing. Although I am grateful and can be glad I went through a recovery course in college and had some Christian counseling, it pales in comparison to what is going on now. This is like an accelerated path of fresh suffering.

Recovery is like undergoing surgery. It has to happen in stages. Someone told me recently, it’s as if your body needed skin graphs, you wouldn’t do it all at once because your body would go into shock. Recovering from pain in our past and things that are painful in our present, isn’t something God does all at once either because we wouldn’t be able to handle it. Even now, the areas God is ushering me into in my heart bring up a sense of a feeling out of control and you start experience a ton of emotions that make you feel like you’re going crazy.

“After all, what can be done about a pain of titanic dimension that seems to only get worse to the degree it is touched on, let alone plumbed to its depths? The litany of voices that clamor to sing “leave well enough alone” are legion, and their degrees, life experience, and cautious reason serve as a numbing influence that dulls the throb in the soul and the pounding of the heart.

What is the point in pursuing firm hope and lively joy? The answer is simple: to live out the gospel. The reason for entering the struggle is a desire for more, a taste of what life and love could be if freed from the dark memories and deep shame. No one leaves the lethargy of denial unless there is a spark of discontentment that pierces the darkness of daily numbness. To live significantly less than what one was made to be is as severe a betrayal of the soul as the original abuse.” - Wounded Heart

I have been leaning into my support system for continual prayers as I know this process is something beneficial for me in the long run, and one that will affect not only what God is doing in my life, but my ability to serve fully in the kingdom of God, the lives I will be able to impact, my relationships, my future marriage, the lives of my children and the longevity of my ministry. I know it has far-reaching implications and I want to allow the Spirit of God to work in and through my life, even while going through the wringer.

I am clinging to this truth, there is no other way to get to the good place, but through the fire. I know the suffering is worth it. I know God promises not to take it away, but to walk me through it. I know that I am not alone. I know that His grace is sufficient. God has been so faithful and already done so many incredible things in my life and in my heart through this. I have no regrets. It is changing my life and believe the lessons and healing God is doing will ultimately save my future marriage and allow me to sustain a life of ministry or whatever He calls me to do later in life. He is giving me hope and peace in the midst of this storm.

And I know that this is the way I must go to receive the life that He offers.

He is near and He never calls His children to go a place where He will not faithfully lead and guide them, no matter how rocky the path, nor how harsh the winds. The days where you can event see straight and have no idea which way is up or down, your Shepherd is still guiding and bringing you through as he tightens his grip and promises to never let go.

"Someone's setting my soul free, I hear You, I feel your love..."

- photo courtesy of my friend, lori

Thinking You're Naked

This is amazingly beautiful. Kate shared this powerful post with me called "Thinking You're Naked," from the blog, Stuff Christians Like.

:::

"I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty awesome at applying band-aids. And make no mistake, there is an art. Because if you go too quickly and unpeel them the wrong way, they stick to themselves and you end up with a wadded up useless mess instead of the Little Mermaid festooned bandage your daughter so desperately wants to apply to a boo boo that may in fact be 100% fictional.

Half of the injuries I treat at the Acuff house are invisible or simply wounds of sympathy. My oldest daughter will scrape her knee and my 3-year old, realizing the band aid box is open will say, "Yo dad, I'd like to get in on that too. What do you say we put one on, I don't know, my ankle. Yeah, my ankle, let's pretend that's hurt."

But sometimes the cuts are real, like the day my 5-year old got a scrape on her face playing in the front yard. I rushed in the house and returned with a princess bandage. As I bent down to apply it to her forehead, her eyes filled up with tears and she shrunk back from me.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I don't want to wear that band-aid." She replied.

"Why? You have a cut, you need a band-aid." I said.

"I'll look silly." She answered.

Other than her sister and her mom, there was no one else in the yard. None of her friends were over, cars were not streaming passed our house and watching us play, the world was pretty empty at that moment. But for the first time I can remember, she felt shame. She had discovered shame. Somewhere, some how, this little 5 year old had learned to be afraid of looking silly. If I was smarter, if I had been better prepared for the transition from little toddler to little girl, I might have asked her this:

"Who told you that you were silly?"

I didn't though. That question didn't bloom in my head until much later and I didn't understand it until I saw God ask a similar question in Genesis 3:11. To me, this is one of the saddest and most profoundly beautiful verses in the entire Bible. Adam and Eve have fallen. The apple is a core. The snake has spoken. The dream appears crushed. As they hide from God under clothes they've hastily sewn together, He appears and asks them a simple question:

"Who told you that you were naked?"

There is hurt in God's voice as He asks this question, but there is also a deep sadness, the sense of a father holding a daughter that has for the first time ever, wrapped herself in shame.

Who told you that you were not enough?

Who told you that I didn't love you?

Who told you that there was something outside of me you needed?

Who told you that you were ugly?

Who told you that your dream was foolish?

Who told you that you would never have a child?

Who told you that you would never be a father?

Who told you that you weren't a good mother?

Who told you that without a job you aren't worth anything?

Who told you that you'll never know love again?

Who told you that this was all there is?

Who told you that you were naked?

I don't know when you discovered shame. I don’t know when you discovered that there were
people that might think you are silly or dumb or not a good writer or a husband or a friend. I don't know what lies you've been told by other people or maybe even by yourself.

But in response to what you are hearing from everyone else, God is still asking the question, "Who told you that you were naked?"

And He's still asking us that question because we are not.

In Christ we are not worthless.

In Christ we are not hopeless.

In Christ we are not dumb or ugly or forgotten.

In Christ we are not naked.

Isaiah 61:10 it says:
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness.

The world may try to tell you a thousand different things today. You might close this post and hear a million declarations of what you are or who you'll always be, but know this.

As unbelievable as it sounds and as much as I never expected to type this sentence on this blog:

You are not naked."

- Posted by Jon on the blog, Stuff Christians Like

Your hand restores...

This song will never stop being amazing to me. oldie but a goodie.

all my world
all I've lost
the wrecks I've made here
the lives it cost
Your hand restores
Your works make whole
with all my soul
I thank You
I owe You
all my:

devotion
all that I have to give
here's my devotion
You're all that it means to live

all my past
my tainted main
You stole its legacy
of pride and shame
You're all I love
You're all I fear
I'm drawing near
to face You
to know You
to show You:

devotion
all that I have to give
here's my devotion
You're all that it means to live

You found me
in a shallow grave
You tracked me out from beneath it all
You healed me
saved me
in the nick of time
Your perfect time
You found me (found me)
in a shallow grave (in a shallow grave)
You called me out from beneath it all
You touched me (touched me)
saved me (saved me)
in the nick of time
in Your perfect time

I devote all I have to You
I devote all that You've made new
all You restored that day You bled
all that You brought back from the dead
all:

devotion (You're all...)
You're all that I have to give
You're all that it means to live
here's my devotion, my devotion
all that it means to live (You're all that means to live)

my Lord
my devotion

Seeing(red)

A church here in town is doing a series called Seeing(red), I have no idea all the angles these sermons are taking, but anger has been a new interest of mine lately.

You see, anger is one of those emotions I’ve been in denial about. If you asked my friends, they wouldn’t describe me as an angry person. In fact, I’ve spent a considerable amount of energy avoiding anger at all costs. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t still there. Just expressed differently.

Through my recovery group process, it has been unlocking a lot of anger. This is good, but also scary. As you learn how to manage your anger to a point, but when you enter into uncharted territory it no longer feels safe. But that’s where growth happens. I spent the last 48 hours in a very scary place, I literally felt I was seeing red. Today, God showed me that, my anger in the last two days actually propelled me to action. Why, because “anger is a signal that God has given us, just as pain is a signal. Anger tells us that we’re being hurt, that something is wrong, or perhaps someone is demanding too much… Because we have trained ourselves not to feel our emotions, especially anger, we find that to understand the dynamics of anger, that you have been deeply hurt…”

More on the truth about anger from the National Association of Christian Recovery:

In your anger, do not sin.
Ephesians 4:26

"Living in relationship with other people means that we will experience seasons of anger. Anger is a normal human emotion. It is an unavoidable ingredient of any fellowship.

Unfortunately, for most of us, anger is a problem. We know that anger can lead to destructive behaviors. Some of us have been on the receiving end of verbal and physical attacks from an angry person. And some of us have lashed out at others with our anger. So we fear anger because we have seen the destruction which results when anger leads to sin. We have seen how anger can damage relationships and lead to loneliness.

But anger does not have to be destructive. We can be angry without harming others. Anger can, in fact, be a constructive force in our lives. Anger alerts us to the fact that something is not right. As a result, anger can protect us and energize us to take constructive action.

The fellowship we need in recovery cannot always be conflict-free fellowship. There will be times of anger. And that can be a good thing.

I am afraid of anger, Lord.
But I know it can't be avoided.
Help me to acknowledge my anger rather than hide from it.
Help me to use it in ways that are not destructive.
Let it energize me to risk and change and grow.
Help me to learn to live constructively with my anger
Amen.”

there is hope for the wounded heart

Praise for Dr. Dan B. Allender's The Wounded Heart:

“Dr. Allender exposes the rage, fear, and confusion locked deep inside every victim. And, offering guidance in the midst of the confusion, he shows that there is hope for the wounded heart.”

-- Frank Minirth, MD, and Paul Meier, MD, Minirth-Meier Clinic, Richardson, Texas

"Dan Allender has unraveled the very heart of sexual abuse, both in diagnosis and scriptural resolution. This is the first book on sexual abuse that gives the victim God’s path to healing: a costly path of fresh suffering that leads to a life characterized by love.”

-- Dr. Pamela Reeve, author, speaker, retired professor from Multonomah Biblical Seminary

“These powerful pages bring the realities of damaging human experience into the perspective of a loving God. With professional skill and spiritual insight from the crucible of experience, Dr. Allender blends a keen understanding of the dynamics of sexual abuse with the practical application of Christian truth.”

-- John Powell, PhD, professor, Counseling Center, Michigan State University

“Dr. Allender acts as a true surgeon of the soul in making a diagnosis which, while compassionate, is never sentimental. He brings the wounded survivor of abuse to the Great Physician for healing.”

-- Maxine Hancock, author of Child Sexual Abuse

“Dr. Allender’s book reaches deep into the wounded heart of someone you know, exploring the secret lament of the soul damaged by sexual abuse and laying hold of the hope buried there by the One whose unstained image we all bear.”