heartbreak hotel

Heartache, desire and disappointment.

“Hope rouses the desire from its slumber and makes us even more vulnerable to disappointment.”

“Despair,” wrote James Houston, “is the fate of the desiring soul.” Or as Scripture says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Prov. 13:12).

“To desire is to open our hearts to the possibility of pain; to shut down our hearts is to die altogether.”

"The full proverb reads this way: ‘Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy.’

The road to life and joy lies through, not around, the heartsickness of hope deferred.”

- Quotations from Journey of Desire, Eldredge

the separation of sorrow

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my
heart? Psalm 13:1-2

I recently learned from a seminar that anger was a "separating emotion." I believe sorrow is too. It is something felt deep that is hard to express. It's something rumbling beneath the surface that masquerades itself even day to day, but it is still there, in the stillness of the night or the quietness of the morning.


I shared with a close friend last night that I was just sad. I didn’t know why. I couldn’t pinpoint why but my heart was just sad.

Jesus is making my heart more tender but that is a painful process and one I cannot chart out or direct. But must surrender and trust that His will for me at any given moment is a direct expression of his unfailing love for me.

This is not a feeling. Believing in this love is a choice and commitment.

Last week I started thinking I was experiencing bouts of depression.

But after processing with several people I trust in my life, I think my heart is just filled with sorrow. This is okay, but I just want it to go away. It's like a lingering cough that I can't kick and that's part of the problem, I just want it gone. I'm trying to learn to listen to what God is speaking to me in the sorrow. He is especially close to the brokenhearted. This is a truth, not an idea, I have to remind myself of a lot.

There’s a heaviness to depression. But sorrow carries a different weight. Not a lighter weight, but it is different.

I’m learning to distinguish the difference. Though this sorrow is making me feel burdened and not motivated, I am seeing that there is something much deeper going on and I just want to slap the label of depression on there because that is something known and familiar. Not a place I like to be, but I’d prefer it almost to here.

Sorrow is a different battle.

I can’t tell you why. There are about 20 things that are making my heart sad. Most of them not tied to anything happening daily but a cumulative reality now being felt. Many of them not even directly relating to my life, some of them just harsh realities that don’t sit well with me. But the cumulative effect of them makes me sad. I’m still able to experience and have joy. And function and go on with my day. And see my friends. And go to appointments. And push through support raising work. You learn not to deny your feelings, but to put on joy, to put on love, to put on trust, even when it's not what you feel. To get your mind off of yourself. And onto others. Onto God. And He pushes and pulls us to our innermost need.


But, the more I'm in that quiet place with God in the stillness of my heart, the more I hear the reassurance that this is not over. There is no quick fix. There is no way I can fix it myself. I am not in control. But I feel almost as if I’m walking uphill with lead in my boots. My legs are getting weary. My heart is heavy. Weary. Anxious about many things. I feel I’ve been in more of a chronic state of anxiety than anything else. Restless. Sleepless nights. Where my thoughts seem to torment me and I feel I can’t escape.

The lord is near.

Even when sometimes I dare to believe He is not. You don't have to go far in the Psalms to read the reality of the human condition. Deep anguish wasn't something you could maybe experience some time in your life, it was expected. It was reality. The Psalms just bring to light what we're already feeling but don't want to let on. In our culture today, we seem to pride ourselves on "handling" it when everyone else is falling apart. But the Scriptures have much to say about this and the more we start looking to God's word to interpret our lives, the more it begins to make sense. Cause we're not alone in our struggle and we're not alone in the sense that we have to fight our way by ourselves. We have One far greater and able to meet our every need.

There’s a lot more I want to say but this is the only one I can get out right now, it is today’s daily devotional from a resource I’m learning a lot about. I’ve been really excited to connect with other church leaders in Columbia who are doing incredible work in the world of Christian recovery. God is digging into deeper and darker parts of my soul as He desires to do something in my heart on this journey as well and orchestrating a recovery of His own in my life. It is a process I hate/love. I mean love/hate lol. No, mostly hate/love. But I know that it’s necessary. I know. The more I talk with more women who are 30, 40 years down the road from me, the more I know all this stuff is better out than in. just when we think we’ve “worked through” all our junk, oh there’s more. But the purpose isn’t just about us, it’s not just to be free from all our junk, past, present, but to be free to be all God intended us to be and to be in restored relationship with our Father.

The focus of Christian recovery can never be a recovery of self, but must be focused on the person’s current idolatry, or ways their brokenness is leading them to find life apart from God. This means for the victim of abuse, for the alcoholic, for the cutter, for the bulimic, for the husband who had an affair, for the girl struggling with co-dependency, their first job is to see the problem as their problem.

That’s a very different issue from fault. There might have been something, for in the case of the victim of abuse, where it was obviously not his/her fault they were abused. But Christian recovery focuses on what the victim is CURRENTLY doing that is destroying their relationship with God.

Each day, these devotionals push and pull at different parts of me. This one today impacted me as I could not bring words to all I felt. Sometimes we need to know it is okay to just not be okay. I think I get scared about this because I’ve not been okay for so much of my life, that now I know what it is like to feel okay, I don’t want to ever go back there. But I realized that I won’t ever go back there. By God’s grace, alone, and only by His grace, He has done a work in my life that cannot be undone. I unearthed that fear recently and am trying to find rest in the fact that He has me on a journey, progress has been made, there’s no turning back. Yes, the road will be rocky sometimes and I’ll wonder if it’s the right way. But I am learning to trust Him when I feel the weight of all I feel is too much.

He is repairing my heart. And the thing with repairs is you have to take it apart before work can be done.

From a recovery resource:

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my
heart? Psalm 13:1-2

"Sometimes our spiritual distress is centered on questions about God. Where
is God? Why doesn't God help? At other times our spiritual distress is centered
on questions about ourselves. What is wrong with me? How come I'm still
struggling this much?

Doubts about ourselves can be profoundly troubling. We wonder if our faith
will survive the struggle. We wonder if our faith is strong enough. Often
we feel like spiritual failures. The kind of spirituality we have been taught
does not envision 'good' Christians as people who wrestle with their thoughts
and are sad everyday. We think of 'good' Christians as people who trust
God and manage to smile in the midst of any circumstances. When we can't
manage to do this, we question and criticize ourselves.

But wrestling with our thoughts and experiencing sorrow day after day is
often a part of the recovery process. It is not a sign of failure to engage
in this hard work. It is a sign of courage. And it is a sign that our faith
is alive and struggling. People of real faith struggle in life. People of
real faith are people who wrestle with thoughts and who feel sorrow in their
heart.

Lord, I get so tired of thought-wrestling.
And I am so weary of heart-sorrow.
How long, Lord?
How long does this wrestling and sorrow go on?

Help me, Lord, not to experience this struggle as spiritual failure.
Help me to see this hard work as drawing me closer to you.
Remind me today that you are with me in all of this.
Remind me today that you understand.
Amen."

she must and shall go free

"I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness." Isaiah 61:10

follow me - true discipleship

This post is entirely stolen from JR's blog. I really liked this post, a series of blog reviews on Dallas Willard's book, The Great Omission, because sometimes we make what it means and what we are daily commanded to do, so complicated. We are called to follow Him and lead lives worthy of bringing others into. Here's his thoughts:

Chapter One Summary

" “The New Testament is a book about disciples, by disciples, and for disciples of Jesus Christ” (3). The issue isn’t church membership, but making disciples of Jesus. Most problems in churches can be explained in that members have never decided to follow Christ. While there is a cost to discipleship, there is also a great cost for non-discipleship. Discipleship: “The disciple is one who, intent upon becoming Christ-like and so dwelling in his “faith and practice,” systematically and progressively rearranges his affairs to that end” (7). How to be a disciple is not a mystery, it’s simply about following someone.

My Reflections

What I liked about this chapter is how Dallas demystifies discipleship by helping us to remember that being Jesus’ disciple is simply about following him, and making disciples is about helping others to follow him. Paul would say of himself a half dozen times, “follow me as I follow Christ”. I’m not sure how or why anyone who would call themselves a Christian would deny the simple truth that we are to follow Christ. Yet from the simple person to the professor, we all find ways to make excuses on why we can’t follow Jesus. The simple person may simply say, “I just don’t think I can follow Jesus”, while the professor is more likely to create hermeneutical loopholes. And while our progress in discipleship is probably a lot like the kingdom of God - here and not yet - can we say with Paul “follow me as I follow Christ”?

Now I am a broken person in need of repair. But when I choose to walk in the Spirit and be shaped by God’s narrative, I am able to bear the fruit of the Spirit. I still have a way to go, but I have no fear in challenging people to “follow me as I follow Christ.” I might slip and fall here and there, but with God’s help I manage to get back up and continue the race. In this way we can also follow Christ, by not giving up or giving in. We like Christ with the joy set before us can persevere. One of the motivating factors for me to follow Christ is to think about the cost of non-discipleship." - post by JR

Jesus was truly free

“Jesus was truly free. His freedom was rooted in his spiritual awareness that he was the Beloved Child of God. He knew in the depth of his being that he belonged to God before he was born, that he was sent into the world to proclaim God’s love, and that he would return to God after his mission was fulfilled. This knowledge gave him the freedom to speak and act without having to please the world and the power to respond to people’s pains with the healing love of God. That’s why the Gospels say, ‘Everyone in the crowd was trying to touch him because power came out of him that cured them all!’” - Henri Nouwen

May your wonders never cease

Father in Heaven
Lord may your name be glorified

above all others, above all this world

above everything else in our lives

for nothing else in all of this world matters
but to live our lives for your and you alone

May your wonders never cease

may your spirit never leave

may we ever long to see your face

and when we turn from you again

oh how quickly we forget

may we be reminded of your grace

- third day, "may your wonders never cease"

I cannot explain how God works. I cannot explain God’s power. Or His wonders. Or His goodness. I cannot explain His sovereignty and His perfect will.

All I do know is how real the spiritual realm is that we do not see.

Revelations have been coming that are building up my faith as I have been wanting to see what God is doing overall and in the long-term with the trials that are shaping us.

For just a moment the other night, God allowed me just to get a glimpse, of all of the things that are going on in the spiritual realm… and that if I had any idea of how much is truly going on, I would never doubt Him again.

This revelation brought me to this place where I felt, whenever it seems like God isn’t doing a lot… He is always doing way more than we could imagine.

For just a minute, I got a glimpse of this reality. I got a glimpse for just a second at what God saw.

He is producing in my life a faith that will be of greater worth than gold. Battles are being fought, victory is being claimed as I see in my life and the life of several friends also walking through the valley of suffering, that the realities of the glory we will see 6 months from now, a year from now, 30 years from now, would blow us away if we knew it know.

If we knew what these trials were achieving. I got a glimpse of this as I was seeing what other friends are going through who are support raising, the trials God is also walking them through, the journey God has us each uniquely on and was getting blown away by how God would use that to bring us to a new place as a church in advancing the kingdom. Where will our church be a year from now, five years from now? With the things God is doing in and through this body of believers and raising up six new staff who have gone through the fire?

The reality of that to come not only when we are with our heavenly Father, but some of those we will see here.

If we only knew how much God is doing.
We would never doubt Him again.

I am simply blown away.
And am grateful to be held and secure with my Creator, whose power and wonders I cannot begin to describe.

I am learning things I could not have learned any other way than the path of suffering. It isn’t a path that means everything is bad all the time. It’s a path where there is joy, where there is peace, where there are good times, but it is a path where your soul is being refined and that is not painless in any sense of the word.

There are things I am learning on this journey that I could not have learned anywhere else. We often hear our trials are God’s engineered circumstances to produce character within us. This I know to be true.

Our trials can’t be our enemy. We have to look at the fruit. We have to fix our eyes on Him and what He is producing in our lives through this, the fruit that will be used to bless others and that will draw us into deeper dependence on our Lord.

This glimpse has given me strength to keep going and all I need to keep going. It has breathed life into my faith, which I have now defined as nearly sight to see what is not seen. It has made all that is going on in the spiritual realm, more real that everything I can see now.

From one of my favorite chapters in scripture, 2 Corinthians 4:

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Redemption song

“As they pass through the Valley of Baca,

they make it a place of springs.”

The valley of Baca, was otherwise known as the valley of weeping. We see this theme throughout the old testament, about places of desert becoming places overflowing with springs…

This is what is happening at The Shelter and this is what God does.

Transformation.

He takes that which was once ugly and makes it beautiful.

We see and walk through some of the ugliest sides of humanity.
There are stories I’ve heard that will never leave my memory.

Stories that are haunting as they reflect the true depravity of human nature and the effects of that on these women who come to us bruised and broken, wanting another chance at life.

Some of these women are turning to God.

They are seeing Him as the only solution to the ache.

I love this passage in psalm 84, it was highlighted in the introduction of Beth Moore’s Stepping Up bible study I just finished with a group of women.

The only way to keep going is to set your heart on pilgrimage.

I am seeing, in three years in working in crisis intervention, the ones who make it and get back on their feet, are the ones who have their heart set on moving forward.

I love the wording of this passage, those who strength is in the lord… as they pass through…

The words, 'pass through' here are huge. They’re not stuck there, even if it feels like that.

One of the first things we learned in training is crisis is “time-limited.”

Our first priority is figuring out what needs to happen right now.

They are passing through.

But the ones who never make it, never move beyond. Are the ones who get stuck in the Valley of Baca, and never discover that they can make it a place of springs.

But the key here is realizing what is in that component, what makes it a place of springs…

The passage begins by telling us the secret: those who strength is in him.

Because if their strength wasn’t there, it would just be the valley of Baca. Barren. Desert. Wasteland. A place of weeping. Just as it was for every other traveler.

But their journey can be different.

I am in awe of what God is doing in the lives of these weary travelers and how He has made my Valley of Baca a place of springs also as I got to share with one of the ladies today my own journey and how God redeemed the path.

5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,

who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.

6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca,

they make it a place of springs;

the autumn rains also cover it with pools. [b]

7 They go from strength to strength,

till each appears before God in Zion. Psalm 84:5-7