To know You

So I’ve been having a lot of revelations lately, these usually happen right as I’m trying to fall asleep and I’ll usually have to fumble to find a pen to jot down the thought because in the morning it would be forgotten.

I’ve been opening up to people in my life about the challenges that I’ve faced in the last month. I think the cumulative effect wasn’t felt until this week, and I tend to minimize things.

But once it’s on paper. Once it’s out loud, I am forced out of denial and confronted with the weight of it all.

So what’s the point in all this God?

I came to the conclusion this week that I was afraid of many things.

Fear is an unwelcome friend.

Someone I know it all too well.

And it feels like an admission of weakness or lack of faith to admit there are things I am fearful of, therefore there are things causing me to be anxious in my life.

I am learning there is a stark difference between trusting God and actively trusting Him. I can say and even believe and even believe I trust God. That I trust God with this, or I trust you God to do this, or I trust that you are working in this, but in those very same moments where those words are uttered, what is actually going on in an entirely different story.

I heard a guy speak about this, so I know I am not alone. But in my heart, I am not ACTIVELY trusting God. In my heart I am running a million miles an hour trying to conjure up a solution, or trying to see how to fix it, or what I said or didn’t say… all of the default mode is going back to relying on myself and circumventing actively trusting God in that moment.

We all do it.

But starting to recognize those subtle shifts is allowing me to learn how to listen to the Spirit’s promptings about when I am tempted to go back into self-reliance and only trusting in myself.

Fear flares up when we’re following God and suddenly the road doesn’t look like what we thought.

Fear and faith we will always have.

We cannot dream of the day (on this side of eternity) where we will not have to face our demons, usually our fears.
But what is required is living amidst the tensions of faith and fear and choosing to cling to your faith, to cling to what you know to be true, even when the road is getting more and more rocky and you wonder if you are even still on the path.

I heard a woman speak on that and it was huge because she’s been in ministry for 21 years and to hear her admit, you will always have fear and faith and that’s where she lived every single day in ministry was freeing for me.

The faith that is required is not faith in the forms of eliminating fear.

But faith to see what is not before you and keep going, putting one foot in front of the other, even when the road grows more and more treacherous. And the stakes becoming higher, and the cost becomes more and more expensive. This is the life of following Christ.

I am bringing you through all of this because I want you to know me, Mazvita.

I want you to know I am the ground upon which you stand.
I want you to know me as the one who walks with you day and night.
I want you to know me as the one who is here when it feels everything is spiraling out of control.
I want you to know me.

That’s the point.

That’s the point of my life.
Of these trials.
Of these challenges.

I just want you to know me.

As I feel I am coming into a clearing after a month of trials, I am confronted with the truth and the honesty behind it all.

Of who God really is.

And the other day when I was wishing it was just all over, I was convicted of what my goal was in starting support raising.

I wrote in my journal the night before I left for training that my goal in this process was: not to miss God along the way.

That I wanted this time to be one characterized with enjoying God everyday and with glorifying God with how I raised my support… that I would be a blessing and a reflection of Him to those I’d meet along this journey…

That my goal would not be to simply get done.
Or to be back on campus.

But that my overriding hope every single day, would be Him.

That my joy would be found in Him, and not affected by my circumstances.

That the goal was God.

I am so grateful there is so much more to know about Him.

My goal is God Himself, not joy, nor peace,

Nor even blessing, but Himself, my God;

'Tis His to lead me there—not mine,

but His—At any cost, dear Lord, by any road.

So faith bounds forward to its goal in God,

And love can trust her Lord to lead her there;

Upheld by Him, my soul is following hard

Till God hath full fulfilled my deepest prayer.

No matter if the way be sometimes dark,

No matter though the cost be oft-times great,

He knoweth how I best shall reach the mark,

The way that leads to Him must needs be strait.

One thing I know, I cannot say Him nay;

One thing I do, I press towards my Lord;

My God my glory here, from day to day,

And in the glory there my great Reward.

- hymn, F. Brook

rock flowers

"I have always been glad that the psalmist said to God that certain times of life and desperate or difficult. Make no mistake about it, there are difficult things in life.

This summer someone gave me some beautiful pink flowers, and as I took them, I asked, “What kind are they?” My friend answered, “They are rock flowers. They grow and bloom only on rocks where you can see no soil.” Then I thought of God’s flowers growing in desperate times and hard places, and I somehow feel that He may have certain tenderness for His “rock flowers” that He may not have for His lilies and roses. Margaret Bottome

The trials of life are sent to make us, not to break us.

Financial troubles may destroy a person’s business but build up his character. And a direct blow to the outer person may be the greatest blessing possible to the inner person. So if God places or allows anything difficult in our lives, we can be sure that the real danger or trouble will be what we will lose if we run or rebel against it. Matlbie D. Babcock

- Streams in the Desert, a devotional

Streams in the Desert::stillness

He went up on a mountainside by himself. (Matthew 14:23)

"One of the blessings of the old-time Sabbath day was the calmness, restfulness, and holy peace that came from having a time of quiet solitude away from the world.

There is a special strength that is born in solitude.

Crows travel in flocks, and wolves in packs, but the lion and the eagle are usually found alone.

Strength is found not in busyness and noise but in quietness. For a lake to reflect the heavens on its surface, it must be calm.

Our Lord loved the people who flocked to him, but there are numerous accounts in the Scriptures of His going away from them for a brief period of time…. He loved the hills more and at nightfall would frequently seclude Himself in their peaceful heights.

The one thing we need today more than anything else is to spend time alone with our Lord, sitting at His feet in the sacred privacy of His blessed presence."

- Streams in the Desert, a devotional

Streams in the Desert::Nothing is impossible

Nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37)

High in the snow-covered Alpine valleys, God works one of His miracles year after year. In spite of the extremes of sunny days and frozen nights, a flower blooms unblemished through the crust of ice near the edge of the snow. How does this little flower, known as the soldanelle plant, accomplish such a feat?

During the past summer the little plant spread its leaves wide and flat on the ground in order to soak up the sun’s rays, and it kept that energy stored in its roots throughout the winter. When spring came, life stirred even beneath its shroud of snow, and as the plant sprouted, it amazingly produced enough warmth to thaw a small dome-shaped pocket of snow above its head.

It grew higher and higher, and as it did, the small dome of air continued to rise just above its head until its flower bud was safely formed. At last the icy covering of the air compartment gave way, and the blossom burst into the sunshine. The crystalline texture of its mauve-colored petals sparkled like the snow itself, as if it still bore the marks of the journey it had endured.

This fragile flower sounds an echo in our hearts that none of the lovely flowers nestled in the warm grass of the lower slopes could ever awaken. Oh, how we love to see impossible things accomplished. And so does God.

Therefore, may we continue to persevere, for even if we took our circumstances and cast all the darkness of human doubt upon them and then hastily piled as many difficulties together as we could find against God’s divine work, we could never move beyond the blessedness of His miracle-working power. May we place our faith completely in Him, for He is the God of the impossible?

- From Streams in the Desert, a really cool devotional

you fill my life with good things.

come, let us sing praises to our King.

“because your love is better than life
my lips will glorify you.”

psalm 63:3

a new hope

“The former regulation is set aside because it was weak and useless (for the law made nothing perfect), and a better hope is introduced, by which we draw near to God.” Hebrews 7:18

a new covenant

"The time is coming," declares the LORD,

"when I will make a new covenant

with the house of Israel

and with the house of Judah.

It will not be like the covenant

I made with their forefathers

when I took them by the hand

to lead them out of Egypt,

because they broke my covenant,

though I was a husband to [a] them, [b] "

declares the LORD.

"This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel

after that time," declares the LORD.

"I will put my law in their minds

and write it on their hearts.

I will be their God,

and they will be my people.

No longer will a man teach his neighbor,

or a man his brother, saying, 'Know the LORD,'

because they will all know me,

from the least of them to the greatest,"

declares the LORD.

"For I will forgive their wickedness

and will remember their sins no more."

- Jeremiah 31:31-34

When I am afraid I will trust in you.

Praise the LORD, oh my soul,
All my innermost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the LORD, oh my soul,
And forget not all his benefits—
Who forgives all your sins
And heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from the pit
And crowns you with love and compassion,
Who satisfies your desires with good things
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s…

The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger, abounding in love…

So great is his love for those who fear him…

As a Father has compassion on his children,
So the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

For he knows how we are formed,
He remembers that we are dust.

As for mortals, their days are like grass,
They flourish like a flower of the field;
The wind blows over it and it is gone,
And its place remembers it no more.

But from everlasting to everlasting
The LORD’s love is with those who fear him…

Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
You his servants who do his will.

Praise the LORD, all his works
Everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the LORD, oh my soul, praise the LORD.

- Psalm 103