"TO BE GRATEFUL for an unanswered prayer, to give thanks in a state of interior desolation, to trust in the love of God in the face of the marvels, cruel circumstances, obscenities, and commonplaces of life is to whisper a doxology in darkness.”
- My boy, Brennan Manning in one of my faves, Ruthless Trust
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SO, warning/disclaimer: Was definitely thinking I only had the emotional energy in me to post a few pics and say a few words and NOT talk about something I was thinking about talking about. But, I decided to venture into an issue I have been struggling with and fighting for a while now and ended up writing and writing and writing :) I am sure you are not surprised. But, this may be the longest single post I've ever posted, but whereas I usually break up long ones, I didn't feel like breaking this one up, so consider yourself forewarned!!! And, I haven't been able to blog in a while, so I figure it's allowed ;)
So I've been really down in the last two weeks, more in this time than ever. Something that was really encouraging for me to read the other day was a 30-day photo project the beautiful and insightful, Emily Mabrey, is doing on her blog right now where each day you post a photo and different things each day – person you have been through the most with, or someone you'd most like to trade places with, or something you hate, something you want to do before you die, and as I was catching up and reading all of them, it really spoke to me and was really cool to read and learn and see all these things about her and the things she is most grateful for.
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So I've been really down in the last two weeks, more in this time than ever. Something that was really encouraging for me to read the other day was a 30-day photo project the beautiful and insightful, Emily Mabrey, is doing on her blog right now where each day you post a photo and different things each day – person you have been through the most with, or someone you'd most like to trade places with, or something you hate, something you want to do before you die, and as I was catching up and reading all of them, it really spoke to me and was really cool to read and learn and see all these things about her and the things she is most grateful for.
She has inspired me. I thought it would be cool to do at some point, but right now I don't have the emotional capacity to take on that project, possibly sometime down the road, but as I was thinking today about what I loved about it, was it causes us to stop and reflect on the things that truly matter to us.
And, I love that is uses pictures, as there is something about how a picture really is worth a thousand words.
As I was sitting out there on the porch today, I thought about what if I posted for 30 days (not necessarily EVERY day, but 30 days that might take me a couple months lol), something each day that I'm grateful for. As I've been sifting through tons of wedding photos the last couple months for stuff around the house and mother's day projects I did for our moms, I have been reminded of so many things in my life I am grateful for. Things I am reminded of when I look at those pictures, of the people and the love and the life God has blessed me with.
One thing I have been learning to do more this year is to thank God for the things He has yet to do or has not given me. But, to thank Him and be grateful even in the wake of disappointment, heartbreak, and despair.
For He is my hope against hope and I can cling to hope, because God is faithful, as a friend recently so beautifully put it.
And, I also was excited about it because in times like the last two weeks where I have not had the physical energy or felt good enough physically to be on the computer more than half an hour and the pain has completely prohibited me from even feeling I could think clearly to write, on days like that I can still meet my desire and need to blog, but can post just a picture with no words or a few. And it would allow me to still have an outlet on here even while I didn't feel safe processing other things on here right now as other settings have been more appropriate for the time begin.
And it also would allow me to continue processing something that has been critical in my journey the last few years – seeing and enjoying God in the mundane, ordinary, and everyday-ness of life.
Because there are so many joys, so many everyday gifts that we're given that we can so easily forget in a matter of days, minutes, hours.
And, the Enemy wants nothing more than to steal and rob of us the joy and peace and comfort these everyday gifts afford us.
So here is me deciding to find yet another way to fight this depression. A fight I know is worth fighting for for perspective, perseverance and hope. Shifting my focus. Allowing Him to renew my mind. Not a vain attempt to just “think positive” thoughts and deny all that pain and hardship I am going through, but something that has helped release my heart to live in that reality, yet be grateful for the God who is in it all and who will bring me through it all, and I do not want to miss the gifts of the everyday moments He leads me to along the way.
Here are my 30 days of gratitude;
A chance to reflect on the beauty and gift of the everyday and ordinary.
Saturday May 28, 2011:
Today, I am grateful for...
- Our porch. First time in a while it was nice enough to sit out there. Spent some of the morning curled up in blankets just soaking it all in. I love having a place where my soul has room to breathe.
- This woman. My mother is one of the most beautiful people I know. There is probably no one who can drive me up the wall more, yet where I find myself even in the next moment reminded of why I love her so. There is also a bond between mother and child and a spark that somehow always brings me back to see the priceless gem she truly is – a woman clothed with strength and dignity.
Like I said, we have and have had our share of struggles, yet it is in those where I find much of the rub is how very similar we are. She took me shopping today for my birthday, knowing that in the last year, gaining 40 pounds due to some of the medication I've been on, mostly from the type of birth control I was first prescribed, building a new wardrobe when you are already tight on money, yet literally not having clothes to wear, clothes that still fit and that you actually look good in, is really difficult.
Plato's Closet has become a close companion to me in this time, as I'm constantly selling clothes there that no longer fit and am able to get a few new things that I do feel good in. her offering to take me shopping for some new clothes, even though I recently found a lot of great tops on sale a few weeks ago, continuing to literally build my summer wardrobe from scratch and having new things to dress the “new me” and my new body type, was such a blessing.
Also had one of the most impactful conversations and words she has ever said to me on the way home. It was totally unexpected and involving a usually very touchy subject that I usually have to say I cannot continue talking about with her (as it always ends up with me being very irritated and wishing I hadn't even begun talking about it), but this time it was different.
I was and am still shocked. Especially as she had no idea all of where I've been today and the last couple of weeks, but God did. And they were some of the things He knew I really needed to hear. Words I will never forget. I am so thankful to not be alone. And feel like for the first time, my mom actually really understood. I am so thankful for her and the time we shared. - New clothes. This sounds really vain and materialistic, I know, but seriously. I have never fully known nor understood the struggle with body and self image until this last year. I thought I did. I thought, even though I have always been a size 0 to 2, that I had. I was self-conscious of my body, have never liked shirts that hugged my tummy, or been super conscious of any weight gain.
I even am someone who had an eating disorder from late in high school through the middle of college. I was anorexic and bulimic. Yet, all it took with my first appointment with a doctor I began seeing for it my freshman year of college, was for him to say these words – this is not about food. And I remember giving him a blank look and he continued to explain...
This is about control. And usually when young girls like you have developed something like this, it is linked to something in your life that feels OUT of control... and asked me a slew of questions about my family life, my childhood experiences, any major changes in the last year... and it was like opening up the floodgates. I had no idea. Which is now hilarious to me because I now talk about it and this very issue with girls all the time.
So even when I think back to that time, when I was the skinniest I've ever been, I still struggled with constantly feeling fat, but on the one hand, I knew that wasn't true. I loved the feeling of an empty stomach after one, two, three... five meals. I loved working out and going to the gym not once but two, three times a day. Sneaking around with my roommates, lying to my friends. All to feed this addiction that I thought I was in control of, little did I know that it was controlling me.
But deep down, I never thought I was fat. Yet, it was totally not about food. So then that brings me to the time after college, as I have not reverted back to that old coping mechanism and by the grace of GOD I have been clean now since 2006 and have not wanted to turn back to that dreadful, dreadful monster.
And so, as I started hanging out with a lot of women's groups when I was support raising period, I would constantly hear women talk about how, oh wait till you hit your mid 20s... your metabolism slows down, you gain weight, etc etc and it is one of those things you just think will not happen to you. Other people, maybe, you, no. And then, it started happening, as if a clock dinged with the turn of my 25th birthday.
I remembered the previous winter, I had quit my office job at the University, the one I took in order to save up money to support raise to go on staff, and was getting ready to go to our staff Christmas party, this was in December 2008. My last day of that office job was September 5th we'll say. Around labor day weekend. I hadn't worn full out dress clothes for work in months.
Then, December rolls around and I had a few friends over helping me back cookies for our cookie exchange, and I'm panicking in my bedroom closet. I went over to pull a pair of black pants off the hanger. Put them on. They were snug. And not just a little bit, my first thought was, oh man I must have accidentally shrinked these... You know where this is going...
Throw those aside and reach for my other pair of Express Editor black pants. The ones I bought one size bigger because I like dress pants a little looser in the thighs. Ones that had always been loose. You guessed it. These were snug too. And I forgot to mention the other ones I could hardly get past half my leg. These ones, I couldn't zip all the way.
I was already running late and now had 10 minutes before I was supposed to be there. I had spent all my getting ready time trying to figure out what was wrong with these pants. It was freezing cold so I was not about to wear a dress and ended up wearing the pants with a long shirt even though I felt so self-conscious about how tight they were the whole night.
Well, that May, I turned 25 and remembered the next wave of “I'm gaining weight” hitting the night before Chris and Aimee's wedding. A bunch of girlfriends and I were in one of their apartments, going through a pile of dresses as we've had a tradition since we have 3-6 weddings a summer, of trading dresses so we don't have to buy new ones each time but still have something fun and “new” to wear.
I remember after the first few dresses not zipping, the shame I felt and having to go to the bathroom to try a few more on by myself. Nothing was fitting. And all the girls there, size 0-4, all girls who I've traded clothes with for years, it was like being kicked out of the skinny girl club. Finally found one of theirs I could pull off but it didn't erase all that I had come to feel.
So this has been a battle I've fought as I've gradually put on weight over the years after college. Which is normal and none of it was largely noticeable.
But the problem with being tiny your whole life is, when you DO gain weight EVVVERRRYBODY notices. EVERRRYBODY can tell. And while I have fought this battle to love and accept my new weight and body, it has never been more difficult than now, especially being in a situation that I did not choose that has left me DAILY reminded of how little I am in control.
Even of things maybe I could once somewhat feel any shred of control by still eating what I wanted, but being able to work out, dance, run, exercise. Well, this season has cut out all of that and on top of that, medications I have needed in order to function, have not helped the situation.
I have fought again and again to get to the core of this battle, that my worth is not in how much I weigh, what size I am, how my body looks, if I am skinny or fat. I know that. I know the truth. I know that I am beautiful because God says I am. I have a husband who tells me multiple times a day that I am beautiful. Inside and out. And I STILL struggle?!? Yes. But, luckily, I am not alone and it is totally human, normal and natural. How I choose to engage and fight this battle is the real question.
Even though we aren't loaded with cash, I am grateful my husband has understood and supported me getting new clothes here and there. Especially in being at a place where literally, I do not own a pair of shorts. Bermuda shorts that I bought just last summer from American Eagle and Aeropostle, do not fit. Sold those to Plato's since they had only been worn a couple of times.
I was at a place in October where jeans I had bought when Olivia was in town when we went shopping, no longer fit, and I had literally not a single pair of jeans in my closet I could wear. Went and had to buy a few new pairs. Same with many shirts, sweaters, etc. each new season brings the reminder of this change, especially summer, where I am literally rebuilding my entire wardrobe of clothes to dress the new me.
The hardest was being in Nia's wedding in March. I have not had more anxiety about a) finding and wearing a dress, b) standing in front of people, c) being one of the bigger girls in the wedding party.
And I am not saying I'm fat. I am just saying I am the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. And I am not saying that being bigger is even wrong or bad or make us less beautiful.
I have friends of all shapes and sizes and each of them has a beauty that is simply breathtaking. From size double zero (yes, isn't that disgusting, the girl in the dressing room next to me at Express today), to size 42+, when I look at them, I don't see a size, I see a beautiful woman.
And I know that is the truth, but I am strictly speaking from the experience of being a stick your entire life, I mean, I literally up until this last move, gotten rid of even a lot of clothes at my parents' house from middle school.
Up until probably the last few years, I have been able to wear stuff I wore in 6th grade. I have literally been a size 0-2-4 from the time I remember wearing sizes till the last few years. Disgusting. I was the girl you loved to hate, who could eat whatever they wanted and not gain a thing.
But I seriously went to more than 25 stores in Columbia to find a dress. Each bridesmaid had to wear a navy blue dress and I wasn't just looking for a dress. I was looking for a dress that was the most flattering to my figure and the one that made me look the skinniest.
I nearly passed out up there at the front because not only was it two weeks of me going gluten free and I hadn't brought enough stuff to snack on throughout the day that didn't involve a microwave (which they didn't have on site where we got ready) so I literally at nothing the whole day as all the stuff they had for lunch and to snack had gluten in it, but also because for the last hour and a half, I was wearing a tummy tucker. I put it on before guests started arriving so I didn't have to walk all the way through the area to the bathroom and have everyone see what I was putting on, so I sat and was miserable. It was hard to breathe.
Then I'm up there about to nearly pass out because I was so self-conscious of my body and my anxiety had hit the roof.
I was relieved when I remembered we weren't walking in alone, but would walk down the aisle with a groomsmen. Phew. At least my flowers can hide my belly from the left and he will hide me on the right. When I got up there, as I was the last on the end, also so I could be near the first row of chairs to sit if I needed to, I felt hot and couldn't wait for the rest of the girls to get up there so I wasn't up there alone. So ridiculous!
I nearly passed out because I felt so disgusting in that dress and having to stand up there. It was seriously the closest I have ever come to an anxiety/panic attack and social anxiety. And to have to see people I haven't seen in years, where the first thing people notice is, oh, wow, Mazvita has put on a lot of weight, did you see her... and I know it's true because I've done it/do it.
On the way home I burst into tears telling Ben how hard it was from the minute I got there on Friday night, to walk into a room of skinny girls. They were all trying on extra dresses one of the girls had gotten and I quietly took a few into the bathroom so I could try them on in private, knowing none would probably fit.
But I was hoping they would because seeing them in all the cute styles they had, I felt like I would look like a grandma. And they were all in dresses I used to be able to wear and wish I could have worn, but that now with my new body type, I cannot do or pull off. No luck.
I told him I realized how a couple of friends have felt, something I never understood fully, but there is an aloneness when you realize you are one of the biggest people in the room. And even in all the pictures, I would get mad when I would get stuck to someone like Nicole Bodkin, who is SUPER tiny (and cute, love this girl by the way and cannot WAIT to see her walk down the aisle in just a month, ps!!), and I would be like oh GREAT, you're putting ME by HER?!?
And I would find myself trying to be in the back of all the photos or have someone stand in front of me to hid my belly. And my worst fear, most of the reason in getting the tummy tucker is with a lot of the girls being pregnant right now, the LASSSSTTTTT thing I wanted was for someone to come up to me and say, oh, Mazvita, I didn't know you guys were EXPECTING!!!!
No. Uh huh. NOT happening! I don't want people interpreting this pudge as a baby belly!! But, I still hated seeing all those people, who I KNOW were not looking at me, they were looking at the beautiful bride, but still, walking in and seeing all these people I haven't seen in years, some of them, not in eight years... and them immediately seeing me and making a value judgment.
Like one thing I wrestled with that weekend, after getting a kick in the pants actually towards the end of the wedding, when I walked in to Nia's apartment Friday night, where we were all staying. Some of the girls I hadn't seen in a while, I immediately felt a wall go up as I walk in and am like oh, look, she's lost a lot of weight, she looks great, glad everything's so good in her life...and with one of them, I hardly talked to her the whole time because of this.
I hated this but I noticed I didn't engage and shied away from conversation with many of them because I couldn't stand to be around them when I felt so disgusting about my own body and new weight as if this is some sort of issue that is my fault or man, Mazvita got married and just let herself go...
But, I kept noticing it over and over again. I went back to the room to get something during the reception and one of girls was in there. I felt a nudge to say something to her, even though I had avoided conversation with her all weekend.
Hey Susie* (we'll call her), you look great! You've lost a lot of weight have you been working out a lot?
No. No, actually it's not been good. Her eyes teared up and immediately I was like oh, my gosh, Mazvita.
It turns out she has been losing a lot of weight because of a lot of stressful situations she's currently dealing with and not eating and had dropped 2-3 sizes in the last couple months... which is why *Alice brought all the extra dresses the other day. The one I bought in January hangs off of me and I didn't want to look sick.
Talk about a punch in the gut.
And the crazy thing was, in the time I was still dealing with and in the time since God brought me out of having an eating disorder, this is one of the biggest things I love talking about with women. Because what women doesn't have insecurities at some level or at some time with her weight and body image?
Yet, one of the things I love talking with women and young girls about are the issues that my first doctor and my counselor and many other mentors talked about and walked through with me. Helping others who have that struggle know that this is not about food. But control. And the underlying root issues that they are using the eating disorder to cope with.
When I notice a weight loss or a girl working out obsessively or hardly eating her food after maybe 3 or 4 times we've had lunch, I start to ask. And had I not been so consumed with my own stuff that weekend, I wonder the type of conversation we would have had.
But it wasn't even like I needed to talk or minister to her or that I was like, oh man I missed an opportunity... what killed me more was what I had assumed about her situation and therefore how I didn't want to deal with her because of it.
I was tired of changing in front of these girls who had literally no fat on their bodies. Girls that could work out and do this and that to lose weight, when I could not. It didn't seem fair and I hated every second I was in that dress. It wasn't until Nia's sister gave me a flower that I could put in my hair that I felt okay about going out there.
Not to mention my hair lady messed up my hair, I went back on Thursday to have her fix it, she chopped it ALL off, like shorter than she's ever done, great, just in time for all of these wedding photos and seeing all these people. Not only do I feel fat and have gained weight and hate my dress, I hate my hair – GREAT! Lol.
But, what got me in that moment, as I was telling Ben on the way home... why is it that we automatically assume that because someone has lost weight or is in “good shape” that they are doing well?
I mean, why did I see her, and some of these other girls and put up a wall with them the whole weekend, and just talked to the two girls in the wedding party I was closest to, Maria and Mere, and not the other girls because of this.
And, why is it that we assume when we see someone we notice has gained weight that they aren't doing well?
I know, because I have done it. Guilty as charged. As I told Ben, I remember a couple years ago at a wedding, talking with a friend and they asked me, “How is so and so doing? She's put on a lot of weight...”
“Yeah, she's been really depressed, I don't know.”
“Yeah, it doesn't seem like she's doing well...”
And it wasn't like we were JUST saying that about the noticeable weight gain, but also a change in mood and demeanor, but I did it. And I know others could have been thinking and done the same too.
It bothered me that we automatically jump to the conclusion that someone gaining weight equals they are not doing well. Or someone losing weight equals they are doing great, life is good, couldn't be better.
Especially, it hits at the wound of this season, living with this illness, has had so many ramifications and wounds within it, my weight and new body type is one of many visible signs that things are not okay. That I am sick. That I am not in control.
When you jump not just a couple, but 6-8 sizes in six months, and you used to be tiny, you better believe you'd have to be blinder than a bat not to notice. At other points in the last few years, I've put on a few pounds and can get away with getting some different tops or jeans and people not noticing. But, when it is significant, everyone knows.
It's like this thing that I wish I could hide. It adds to the many layers of vulnerability I feel I cannot escape in this season.
***(Which, I will share a quick cool little side note here... so all girls want to work out, be in their best shape for their wedding day, right? Well, once I got sick last March, in 2010, one of the things that would eat at me the most, especially after the first month of this was... omg, crap. I get MARRIED in like two months... I can't work out, I cannot even leave the house (for the first few weeks was mostly on bed-rest, but spent the first two months mostly on home-rest)... so I cannot even remotely do anything physical. All I do is sleep and eat. Great, I'm going to be the biggest I've ever been on my wedding day... it is so not FAIR!
It was one of many things I was grieving. I know it sounds like something silly to pray for, but I prayed and said, God, you know I would really love to not feel like I was at my worst on that day, I would love to not look back at my wedding photos remembering how self conscious and disgusting I felt, and how big I looked... I gained weight with the steroids they had me on to first treat my nerves, but with a combination of being at home for two months and eating a lot healthier sine I wasn't eating out as much, I started losing weight and by the wedding was about the size I had been in throughout college... which was totally a God thing.
I know it sounds silly, but He knew my desire to look and FEEL my best that day and how it all happened is a mystery because I was not about to revert back to my eating disorder, I had enough issues as it was and did NOT want to go back to that prison, but God took care of me, even the little things we can even feel silly about posting on our blog that GOD KNEW would make a huge difference.
So for THAT, I am grateful that when I look at pictures from that day, I don't have the same feelings I have felt so often in this period of being sick, of my body and the weight being an outward reminder that things are not “normal,” this season is not “normal,” or how things should be.
Deep down I had the desire every woman has for their wedding day, to simply be, look, and FEEL beautiful. And we have a God who not only hears but cares about it all. As I have found in this issue as well as many other unrelated issues, He is the One who will always perfect all that concerns us.)
ANYWAY, back to NIA'S wedding, like I was saying, there is a tremendous amount of vulnerability and feeling exposed dealing with all the complexities of this season has brought. Being in the wedding was one of them.
That walking down the aisle or seeing me up there, people could make an automatic value judgment on how well I'm doing. Especially, what got me the most is many of those people didn't even know I was sick. So it just looked like it was my fault. I got lazy. Blimped up. Am sitting at home eating all day and have let myself go.
Anyway, so that was a much longer than I expected rant, but it has been an issue I haven't known how to write about till now and was debating whether to put new clothes as something I am thankful for because I didn't want to go into all of this, but like many other things in life, I know that this is an area God is fighting for greater and greater freedom in my life as well as in the lives of so many others I am blessed to know.
So, I finally found some tops a few weeks ago that are going to be staples in my summer wardrobe and feel I am beginning to clothe and feel more comfortable in the new me.
I am fighting to believe the truth about myself and see myself as God sees me. To remind myself that my worth is not a number. However much I weigh or don't weigh or my size does not determine my worth and that my identity is in Him.
It is He who makes us beautiful and I can fight to learn to believe the truth about myself and my new body, and take joy in the feel of a new outfit as I have a few times the last few weeks and even in going out tonight to see an old friend. To find clothes that I feel good about myself in and that flatter my new figure.
To learn how to dress new myself, even as shopping is very difficult and I have to try on five different sizes of nearly everything not knowing how certain things will work now with my body or not, yet, a victory. In finding things that I can learn to love myself in and finding ways to fight this battle for truth in an area where I can be so bombarded with lies.
Because I truly believe the truth is, every woman IS and needs to KNOW they are beautiful. With a beauty and a worth beyond all compare. The Enemy will throw just about every lie that He can with this issue because he knows where we are most vulnerable and most susceptible to exchange the truth for a lie.
Oh, Lord, that we would unveil to the world our true face, our hearts and our bodies that You have graced and made beautiful. And that we are truly a “planting of the Lord, for the display of Your splendor...” (Isaiah 61) Made to reflect Your beauty, your glory, and your light to this dark and broken world.
Phew, so like I said, a lot longer rant than I expected... and yes, the subject of beauty, women feeling beautiful and body image stuff is something I'm mildly and remotely passionate about, if you could not already tell :)
And because we are facing all this reality today and some people have the nerve to lie to me and say, oh no I can't tell lol here is proof. But I share these photos not to say being my size now or being bigger is at all bad, less beautiful, or something to feel insecure about. I am just sharing these pictures not to be overly narcissistic but to show the reality of here is how I USED to look and here is how I look NOW... and for me this is huge, and forcing myself to look at photos I have not wanted to see once I uploaded them from the camera months ago has actually been quite the liberating exercise.
So, this is huge also because for the last year, I usually untag or take down any photos that people post of me on blogs or fb in this season because I hate pictures of myself right now. It's like looking at someone else, when in the mirror or in pictures you have always looked different.
Here is a snapshot from college, with my dance girls! Can't remember what year, but this first one was taken before a dance we did for the LA sendoff service when we were sending out a church plant team and the second one was in 2007 when we all met up in STL for the SYTYCD tour:
--July - December 2009--
FIRST FOUR: Emceeing a talent show for The Intersection, posing for a pic with Liz Lever; Our first official facebook official photo during the end of the first week we started dating; The Great Escape, Jeff City;
LAST THREE: During Rock events and the last one, at the columns right after Ben proposed... as you can see we had a smooch or two hence all of my makeup on Ben's face ;)
LAST THREE: During Rock events and the last one, at the columns right after Ben proposed... as you can see we had a smooch or two hence all of my makeup on Ben's face ;)
--March 2010 - June 2010--
TOP ROW: At my St. Louis Bridal Shower with my one of my lovely hostesses and one of my matrons of honor, Kate Kromann; Reppin' mizzou while I threw on a hoodie for one last bathroom run in my undergarments before we put on the dress! BOTTOM ROW: Sayin' yes, to the dress.
--September 2010--
Helping Olivia with her "Beads for Burkina" necklace mission at The Rock
--December 2010/January and February 2011--
6 month anniversary, Christmas, Valentine's Day or some other month anniversary and then with Amanda Kingston at Shelby's Engagement Party
--March 2011--
UGH, so this is where it gets real. Here is the dress and the wedding I was talking about. Maria sent me the pics and I about died. I was frustrated too when the wedding came around because I had stopped my birth control about a month before and was hoping my some miraculous something or other I would have lost weight before the wedding. I die still looking at the first one of me and Maria. But doesn't Maria, Olivia, Ally and my little buddy, Calvin look great?!?
--May 2011--
Pics with Jessica, Kyrsten and Elizabeth during finals week before peeps head out for the summer!
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THERE! For all of you who are still trying to convince me you don't believe me ;) But, you know the interesting thing that has happened in shopping for spring/summer clothes the last few weeks and even going back and finding old pictures on my computer -- yes, the old me was skinnier. Yes, I used to wear anything from a size zero to four. After college, two to six. Yet, the old me is not better or worse than the new me... nor is the new me better or worse than the old me. My body has just changed.
Yet, weighing more and no longer being a toothpick doesn't mean I look as horrible as these photos have been in my mind. It's not good or bad, just different. And I'm starting to lose a little with being gluten free the last two months, but I'm on that diet for health reasons not to lose weight, but I am definitely becoming more and more comfortable and adjusting to the "new" me and forcing myself to look at these photos actually brought a lot of freedom to me just now, so maybe these are on here entirely for my sake :)
Alas, and that was only number three lol... Number four,
Alas, and that was only number three lol... Number four,
4. This man. As our one year anniversary is quickly approaching and I have finished a bunch of photo projects around the house the last couple months as well as presents for our mom for mother's day with wedding photos, I have been reminded not only of the joy of that day, but the true privilege and joy it is to live and share life with this man.
One of the things I realized recently in ER, as last year we ended up spending most of Ben's birthday in the ER, THIS year, we spent some of my birthday weekend in the hospital, YAY! No. Not at all. Not a fun place to spend your birthday/birthday weekend, p.s.
But, I realized that one of the things I love to do with Ben is just laugh. Even in stressful situations that have eclipsed our world the last two weeks, even in waiting between tests in the room or in the never-ending hours of the waiting room, he can always manage to make me laugh about something and I am just so comforted with how much God knew I needed and would be blessed by the gift of having someone like him, not just to go through this with, but to walk through life.
We've been through so much and it has only drawn us closer. All of this sounds cheesy I know, but these words are all I've got at the moment. It is so true and he is and this year being married to him has been nothing but a gift. I am so incredibly blessed.
5. Time with friends. Had a blast in our first So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD) watch party of the year, our official official kickoff to summers here in CoMo and a long-standing five-year tradition, as I confirmed with Stevi on Thursday, it was so great! Here is some of our dance ministry team from back in the day, now instead of dancing, most of us just live vicariously through SYTYCD ;)
Overall, it has been a really rough week and I haven't wanted to be around people and wasn't feeling good last Wednesday or this Wednesday so couldn't join them for our other weekly girls' nite that tides us over till summer when SYTYCD comes on.
Our weekly girls nite has been one of my favorite parts of summer for a while now. Every week it's a new group of girls, we have a core of maybe 4-5 of us, but the cool thing is we have new people and friends join us from time to time or new groupies that come every week even if they had never heard of the show before.
It's been something we all look forward to, much like a group of guys getting together to watch a game, we bond through watching that. We have a smorgasbord of food and desserts every week, and last summer, as I don't know WHAT got into me, but I took up a new hobby – baking, and would bring new things for the girls to try every week.
It's super laid-back so has been a great de-stressor for us all and we are loud like a group of guys yelling at the tv watching football. As Aaron can attest to (as we have the parties at Stevi and Aaron's house), we might even be louder than a group of guys. When it comes to our dance, we do not play.
During the fall, we watch re-runs from old seasons or a dance movie and people bring homework or we do nails, knit, crochet, work on things while watching some show.
The last several weeks we've had another favorite dance show, America's Best Dance Crew, make its appearance again and that's been tiding us over till the start of our beloved summer companion. Great time to see girls again and just have a place where I didn't have to think or talk health stuff or other hard things going on right now. The first time in days where I had laughed again and it never felt so good.
Then, tonight, one of our old original Yellow House SYTYCD aficionados, Kelly Coffey was in town from Florida!
Kelly (pictured above in the middle) is a long-time former Rock girl, I've known her since I was a freshman at Mizzou. She and a bunch of us dance girls who were a part of the Rock's dance ministry back in the day, were all friends and her, Michal and I, lived in the Yellow House together! (The pic above is our roomie pic from Stevi's wedding!)
The Yellow House is this cute little house behind us in the pic below that was like a revolving door for us dance girls. Kate, Michal, and maybe Kelly were the originals. Then when Kate got married, I moved in, someone sub-leased from me when I moved out in January, and then I think that was the end of our run. But many a good time and memory was shared there!!
And oh, wow... just had to run into these photos, it was before Michal and I were doing a spoken word/dramatic reading at church, both on opposite sides of the stage and we felt there was no other way to enter such a situation than with an ultra dramatic photo shoot. Oh, dear LORD! Lol. But, nope, we haven't changed a bit.
Anyway, Kelly was passing through for the day and the Ingalls had an open house for her at their place so people could stop by and see her, visit, come and go. And was planning on getting there around 6:30ish, but then had the convo with my mom that literally floored me and that we needed to have and I needed to have, so got there closer to 8 but it was like I hadn't missed a thing. Seeing her and meeting her boyfriend was great and just getting to hang out and feel like we all just saw her yesterday. Speaking of... this post would not be complete without just a couple more throwbacks I ran into while digging for photos, more Rockette Dance Ministry History:
Had a lot of fun hanging out with everyone there tonight, it was fun having all of us older Rock folks in the same room, as Stevi said, we all know the same stories and the same people... as usually when we find ourselves in the middle of telling a story, we have to stop and explain to the freshman, sophomore, junior, senior, it doesn't matter – girls there who so and so is, what we are talking about, etc etc. it was a lot of fun like at the co-ed baby shower we hosted for our good friends Jeff and Maria last week, all of us older folk got to be in the same room and I felt like we were really “older” lol.
It was so good seeing her and having a nice relaxed place to go hang out, laugh and be entertained by my beloved Ingalls' children, enjoy good food and good company. And it really felt like summer, so I am excited for all the barbeques and hangouts and cookouts to come!
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| The Rockettes at Stevi's wedding; jazz hand power and emo. |
Well, I am feeling actually better, maybe this gratefulness thing IS gonna be good for me after all. I was already feeling encouraged tonight and am now even more encouraged, so, Lord willing, this will continue at some point. I don't know if I will do all 30 or however many days I was thinking and I am not even going to put the pressure on myself or even PRETEND that I will be able to post everyday, but every once in a while is probably a more realistic possibility. :)
And they will not always be as long. Well maybe. ;)
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Thank You, Lord, for who You are.
For your beauty, your goodness, your incredibly amazing love.
With all that we are, we worship You.
A grateful heart I give.
A grateful heart I give.
- Photo at beginning courtesy of Lynsey Tedesco Photography
