I feel caught in the land between.
I know that this road is going somewhere, I know that there is something waiting for me on the other side, but right now the sadness is so heavy and bleak, my days feel meaningless and without direction, I feel like I am just here, existing. Nothing that really makes me excited, nothing to really look forward to or gain.
I don't know how long I have to be here.
All I want is out.
I don't want to go through this anymore, I just wish someone could take me out.
Not like life before I got sick (again), was perfect, but it sure seems like it was.
What makes this harder is the reality that I have been here before.
Four years ago, when I first got sick, and had to stop everything I was doing and a part of, and now that is happening again but the difference with then was I had complete and total peace about it.
Now, I just have anger, loss, longing, and regret.
The things that usually motivate me or make me excited don't right now. And I wonder how long it will be this way.
I don't really feel like doing anything, nothing is super exciting to me right now, all I see and all I am surrounded with is loss after loss. And I wonder when it will let up.
When it will not feel like I am viewing life from the outside.
Even when I have things and experiences worthy of sharing, I don't.
I just keep it in inside because it feels to risky, to vulnerable to share.
I feel lost, alone, abandoned.
And disconnected and far away from the only One who could offer me some words about this current estate.
I feel deeply abandoned, lost, betrayed, forgotten, and defeated.
I know He is here.
I know He has not abandoned me.
I know He has a plan.
But it doesn't feel like it right now.
All I feel is pain.
Deep, soul-wretching pain that makes me wonder if it will ever feel different again.
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