Just as I was about to exit out and close the computer, something made me post something in our Mazvita's Angels' crafters/ambassadors group that I was thinking about but didn't need to tell the girls till later. What happened next was not merely coincidence or chance. Something made me think to check my email to see if the lady had sent me the front of the postcard, to post it for the girls though it didn't need to happen right then.
Then, as I had already left the page, but something made me come back to post one more thing. I was heading out when one of the girls' profile pics caught my attention. It was a girl wearing a number from a race and something about the photo grabbed me. Something made me want to see what it was about, what race she did and when. I clicked and now am writing with eyes full of tears. Good tears. The kind that cap off an incredible week and amazing day.
I told her she just captured in one sentence everything I have tried but not found the words to say for more than a year now.
"To you it's a 5k, but if you ask me, I ran to the moon today."
I've been feeling the stronger and stronger urge and need to write my story. As the thought of any sort of medical update and a prayer letter to friends, families and supporters has felt overwhelming and for periods not something I was able to do, I am now in a place where I have told myself, this December, I am.
Along with that, over Christmas break, I'm wanting to sit down and do something I've wanted to but not had a chance to do for so long, write our my medical journey. It's something I want for the Mazvita's Angels' blog, a "What is My Story" section for the scores of people who know bits and pieces, but maybe weren't there at the beginning and ask and want to know.
But, more importantly, I'm doing it because it's time. I'm doing it for me and choosing to step into this with all the conviction that my dear friend, Grace just did. Choosing not to let others define me has been core and crux to this battle.
I'm not the same as I once was and I don't have to be ashamed of that. I don't have to be ashamed of what people do or do not understand. While things may seem little changed, for me, everything has changed.
And as I've been planning to share in my update, an excerpt from a book that I seriously think I was only supposed to pick up for the first few pages, one that stated that which I have felt but not known how to articulate: I am living in a different emotional direction.
One that others may not know, or get, or have to understand because they have not been shaped by the same circumstances, yet one that is nonetheless real.
Others don't have to get why I feel alive again in and through this season because of a pain that is far too real. Yet one that has led me to life. Life as I never knew it. Life to be taken, shared, experienced and cherished. The feeling of feeling a part of a life and a world you once viewed from the outside. Suddenly, everything is brought into focus, perspective and priorities changed and all becomes much more simple. Something I can't and don't have to put into words. Yet, something that I will always have that no one and nothing can ever take away from me.
Thank you, Grace, for your words that pierced and touched my heart and resonated with something so deep within, something only God knew I needed to hear:
Grace Pinegar, Saturday Dec. 1:
"If you had told me a year ago that I'd be running 5k's in college, I would have spit at you and then gone to eat another donut. I've learned so much this past year about defining yourself by your own rules and not letting others determine who you are, and this race was my opportunity to show the changes I've made in my lifestyle and the things I"ve done to become a stronger person. To you it's a 5k, but if you ask me, I ran to the moon today. And I like where I'm at :) Many thanks to God for getting me up those hills, friends & family for their constant encouragement, and Katy Perry for supplying me with endless running music."
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